


To Live, To Lose, To Love

by shingekinosocialskills



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Tragedy, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Implied Tanaka Ryuunosuke/Kiyoko Shimizu - Freeform, M/M, Minor Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Minor Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Mpreg, Tragedy, Trans Yamaguchi, Volleyball, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-09 20:28:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4363085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shingekinosocialskills/pseuds/shingekinosocialskills
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If being 'over it' could be quantified on a scale of one to ten, Tsukishima Kei's score would be an eleven.  'Over it' was the understatement of the year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Surprising Development

**Author's Note:**

> I have several notes before we get down to the meat and bones of this story. First and foremost, this story will definitely have mpreg in it, which I know is not popular with all the peoples. That said, while it does have a presence as a major contributor to the plot, it is not the sole focus of the plot. The focus is and will remain with Tsukki and Yama and their development throughout the story.
> 
> As for the mpreg element, I'll leave it to your imaginations to dream up how it would be possible, but I might suggest a look at the examples the animal kingdom offers of males able to house and birth offspring. I've also made pregnancy an equal opportunity event, meaning males can fall pregnant, and two males in a relationship could theoretically fall pregnant at the same time (Flying Spaghetti Monster help us all).
> 
> *I came back to add that I'd also like to suggest thinking of it from a totally different angle - that any of the pregnant males herein could be agender or trans. Indeed, biology often says one thing, and the brain and heart often say another. This is a possibility that resonates deeply with me, and, even if I never know it, to have anyone think of it in this context would definitely make me smile.
> 
> I like to believe I have passable writing ability, so I hope those with good imaginations and open minds will read along anyway. I chose to use mpreg for several reasons, the primary one being a personal in-depth knowledge about pregnancy and parenthood (am I giving away my age, here?) combined with the frustrating lack of mpreg fics with accurate descriptions of pregnancy. Then, of course, is my love for yaoi in general. And last, but not least, my love for all things genderbent. With the recent increase in visibility for the trans community, I would hope that those who dislike this sort of story would know to go on their way without leaving any negative feedback, please and thank you!
> 
> And one more thing. There is a certain degree of OOC to this story, particularly on Kei's part. The exact degree is, I would say, debatable, as this story has them somewhere in their mid-twenties and most people change quite a bit (see: "mellow out") between high school and age 30. It's probably more pronounced in the earlier chapters than it will be in later ones, and I will point out that the majority of interpersonal interaction in the story is between Kei and Tadashi, which means that the standoffish nature we know Tsukki for would naturally be less pronounced.
> 
> Now. All that out of the way, let's begin!

If being 'over it' could be quantified on a scale of one to ten, Tsukishima Kei's score would be an eleven. 'Over it' was the understatement of the year. He was sick of the stigma of single parenthood, he was sick of how overwhelming and difficult it was to raise a child alone, and he was sick of thinking of his ex-wife off somewhere doing whatever she wanted while he busted his ass to provide for their son. His stress level was through the roof and his son, Takashi, had never really adjusted over the year since the divorce, once he realized his mother wasn't coming back, which meant that peppered in amongst his many already-trying, normal mystifying behaviors were the tantrums he'd become so fond of throwing at the slightest hint of anything unpleasant or different. Which was practically everything from the perspective of a nonverbal toddler.

Tonight Takashi had decided it was appropriate to throw a two-hour marathon tantrum because he wanted shaved ice and Kei got it for him. Up to that point they'd been having an encouragingly good day. The morning routine, which oscillated between running smoothly and being its own circle of hell most of the time, had gone well. Takashi hadn't made a scene going to preschool and nothing aggravating had happened to Kei at work. Takashi seemed happy to see him at pick up time, and Kei hoisted him onto his shoulders for their walk home. It was then that they spotted the ice cream stand and Takashi begged, with much grunting and straining toward the stand and drumming on Kei's head, for something from its limited menu. As they neared the stand Takashi reached for a plastic model of a cup of shaved ice and Kei ordered its edible counterpart. Spotting a nearby cafe table, he claimed it with their shaved ice and Takashi's backpack, and swung his oddly unenthused son down to settle him in front of his snack, at which point Takashi promptly burst into hysterical tears, his piercing screams echoing off of the buildings and street. People began to stare, and Kei's frantic whispers to Takashi asking what was wrong and to please calm down went unheeded. Mortified, he scooped up Takashi and his backpack and abandoned their shaved ice to beat a hasty retreat home, toddler wailing assaulting his ears the entire way. 

Arriving home did nothing to calm Takashi, nor did Kei's attempts to soothe, cuddle, or tempt with more treats. On the contrary, Takashi screamed with renewed gusto at every attempt to console him, so Kei decided to begin his bedtime routine in spite of the meltdown. They were butting heads through the evening bath when Kei felt his temper flaring. Stupid ex-wife, stupid water being splashed all down his front, stupid messes to clean, stupid toddler antics! Without the usual playful preamble, he dumped a cupful of water over Takashi's head to rinse the last of the shampoo out, ignored shocked sputtering and redoubled efforts to burst his eardrums, and carried him kicking and screaming to his bedroom to get dressed for bed. He knew he should demonstrate a little more compassion but he didn't have anything left to give. Without a word he dried and dressed the miserable, yowling ball of toddler anger, feeling like an alligator wrestler the entire time, and then placed Takashi in his crib and walked away, choosing a spot on the back deck because he knew he wouldn't be able to hear his son's screeching from there. 

Out in the balmy evening air, the stark reality of the last two hours hit Kei like a speeding train. He wanted to be angry, to tell himself it was Takashi's own fault that he had lost his temper, but he couldn't discard his sensibilities long enough to do that. As the adult, and Takashi's only remaining parent, it was his job to stay calm and set a good example for how to handle the bumpy parts of life. Instead, he'd lost his temper and even been kind of mean, dumping the water on Takashi like that. He put his face in his hands and took several deep breaths, fighting against the lump in his throat and the stinging in his eyes. With every passing day he felt more like a failure. He didn't really know what he was doing, it wasn't supposed to be like this, he was just taking it one day at a time and making it up as he went along, and he was sure he was failing. Takashi would be two years old soon and still wasn't talking and his temper tantrums were worse than ever, that had to mean Kei was doing something wrong, didn't it?

He sniffled once and cleared his throat, unwilling to give in to the urge to cry. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe it was because he was bad at showing his feelings, but that was something he'd never been good at. He tried to be more open with Takashi but he couldn't gauge his success without a partner to provide a guideline, and his partner had changed her mind about this whole family thing and run off to live the high life. There wasn't anybody to help him every day like there should have been.

Just then, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Snapping out of his personal pity party, he dug it out to check his notifications and saw that Tadashi had texted him. Perfect timing, as usual. Kei never let on how grateful he was for his friend, but Tadashi always seemed to know when he most needed someone to talk to.

_Come over, I have pizza._

Kei sighed. _Can't. Just put Takashi down. You come here._

He stared at his phone, not really seeing what was on the screen, and wondered if Tadashi was really okay with the fact that he had a child now. As patient as he'd ever been, Tadashi never seemed to mind that things weren't the same as they'd been when they were kids, but Kei felt as if he'd somehow disqualified himself from cool friend status when he became a father, and especially so when he became a single father. He never went anywhere anymore, his entire life revolved around his son. It was usually a pain to get a babysitter for Takashi when he actually needed to go someplace, so it was pretty much out of the question for going someplace unimportant just to have fun. Truthfully, he didn't really think he had any right to go fun places when he had his son at home and no real reason to act like he was having a good time in life. Still, regardless of Kei's homebody behavior, Tadashi frequently invited him to go out for drinks or food with the guys. In the year since his divorce, Kei had never once accepted. Having never been easily dissuaded, Tadashi persisted. Kei's phone buzzed again.

_I'll bring the pizza. How's Takashi been?_

Kei couldn't think of a way to respond that didn't make him sound like the world's biggest asshole of a dad, so he didn't respond at all. True to form, Tadashi seemed to understand without needing to be told.

_Be there in ten._

Kei figured that with only ten minutes to spare he ought to at least change into something more casual than his work clothes. He eased the door open, expecting, with some guilt, that Takashi would still be screaming. He wasn't, which almost made Kei feel worse. He hated when Takashi had to scream and cry himself to sleep because that, more than anything, made him feel like a parenting failure. He resisted the urge to go into Takashi's room and scoop him up for a long conciliatory cuddle and decided to skip his usual post-work shower as well, unwilling to return to the waterlogged bathroom just yet. He changed as quietly as he could, then tiptoed to the front door to unlatch it. Tadashi already knew the drill; he wouldn't text, knock, or use the doorbell, so as not to disturb Takashi's sleep, and Kei would leave the door unlatched so he could let himself in.

Kei was in the kitchen when Tadashi arrived with the aroma of pizza clinging to him. He nodded a greeting at Kei as he placed the box on the counter. Kei gave him a lazy wave and gestured toward the back deck. Both gave a sigh of relief as the door pulled shut behind them without incident. Tadashi smiled at Kei, who scowled somewhat halfheartedly. 

“That bad, huh?”

“You have no idea.”

They were silent for a moment, and then Tadashi turned to him. He already knew what was coming.

“Tsukki, come hang out tomorrow-”

“Tadashi, you know how hard it is for me to find someone to watch Takashi-”

“Tsukki, listen -”

“Besides, I don't really feel like going to another bar, I hate the way-”

“KEI. LISTEN, will you?!”

Startled by Tadashi's tone, Kei clamped his mouth shut.

“I'm not asking you to go out with the guys,” Tadashi said, more softly, “I'm saying let's you and I go do something. Nothing crazy, maybe just a few drinks or something, and catch up a little. We've both been kinda busy lately. Come on, what do you say?”

Kei considered the offer. It would be nice to have a break from Takashi, as guilty as that made him feel, and it was only Tadashi. No ex teammates to rib him with clueless or insensitive jokes, or tiptoe around him like he was going to break. No attempts to set him up with people. He could just nosh on some food and have a couple of beers with his closest friend, which actually sounded pretty fucking nice after the day he'd had.

“Alright,” he said, after a moment, “Okay, I'll just pay someone to come sit with Takashi. But I don't want to go to the bar. Let's find a restaurant or something.”

Tadashi's face lit up and he grabbed Kei's hand in a firm handshake.

“Deal!”

~~

The following day, as Kei walked out his front door with a half-joking, “Good luck!” to the babysitter, he felt simultaneously energized and wary. Takashi had had a pretty good day, and had taken well to the babysitter, a kind-looking woman in her 50s who'd just retired from a career in education. Kei felt like getting away so easily was too good to be true, it was never this simple. He kept glancing at his phone, expecting the babysitter to text saying nevermind, and to come home. Kei had paid a small fortune for an overnight stay but hadn't expected more than an hour or two of freedom. When no such text had come in by the time he arrived at the small restaurant he and Tadashi had agreed on, he finally allowed himself to feel excited.

Consequently, his excitement led to him drinking much more than originally anticipated, and Tadashi matched him drink for drink. They sat at their table long after they'd finished eating, chatting and joking with the owner and their server, tossing back whatever drinks were thrust into their hands and chortling over past high school antics and impressions of their old teammates – particularly Kageyama and Hinata – and ended up stumbling jovially out of the restaurant at closing time, the very happy owner of the restaurant waving merrily at them and wishing them a good night. Kei was having the most fun he'd had in a long time, too much fun to head home just yet, and expressed as much to Tadashi.

“But no bars, Tadashi, no bars!” he complained when Tadashi pointed out a dive at the end of the block.

“Fine! What do you want to do then? Go home?” teased Tadashi, tossing an arm around his waist. Kei made a noise of distaste and put his arm around Tadashi's shoulders.

“God, no. The babysitter hasn't called me crying yet, I'm milking this for all it's worth! What do you have back at your place?”

Tadashi scratched his head, trying to remember. “Some beer? Nothing fancy.”

Kei shrugged. “Fuck it, let's just do that.”

A very wobbly fifteen minutes later they tripped over Tadashi's front doorstep and crash landed in the entryway, laughing and shoving at each other in their attempts to get upright and shut the door. It was Kei, with his height advantage, who was able to stretch out one leg and bump the door shut with his foot.

“Get off me,” he grunted, pushing ineffectively at Tadashi.

“Nope. Too comfy.” Tadashi muttered against his shoulder. Kei closed his eyes, feeling inexplicably comfy himself on the cool wood floor. If not for the annoying spinning he could easily have fallen asleep there. As it was, he had a feeling that allowing the spinning to continue for much longer would be...not good.

“Yama, you're gonna need to get off me, man, we should probably get up.”

Tadashi's only response was a strange muffled noise. Kei was pretty sure he could feel drool soaking through his sleeve.

“Seriously, get up.”

More muffled noises. Kei poked him. “Get. Up.”

No response. Afraid of Tadashi falling asleep, and thus trapping him for who-knew-how-long, Kei cast about for something to say that would rouse him.

“Tadashi, I have to pee.”

Nothing.

“Oi! I'm gonna pee on both of us if you don't move!”

Silence again, so he changed tactics. Bringing his mouth close to Tadashi's ear, he whispered, “I'll suck your dick if you move.”

At that, Tadashi shot up with a look of shock on his face that made Kei laugh. He turned a delicate shade of crimson and clambered off with a muttered apology. Kei sat up and smirked at him.

“No need to apologize, it was actually kind of nice to have someone laying on top of me.”

Wait, what? Kei's heart skipped a beat as he processed what had just come out of his mouth. Where the hell had that come from?

“I mean, you know, since the divorce or whatever. I get pretty lonely sometimes. I'm just glad you're here, Yama.”

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ Kei shouted at himself mentally. But he seemed to have lost the ability to regulate what his body was doing. When had their faces gotten so close together? And had Tadashi's mouth always looked so inviting? And maybe he was just leaning forward because he was so drunk and wobbly...and goddamn, Tadashi's lips felt so nice against his. What?

He was vaguely aware of pulling Tadashi to a stand and backing him into the couch. They fell clumsily against the cushions and Kei lost himself somewhere amidst the heady buzz from the alcohol and the warm thrill of hands under his shirt and skin against his palms. Goosebumps erupted across his torso as Tadashi peeled his shirt off of him, and he dove in to nibble at Tadashi's neck, eliciting a low groan. In spite of their inebriated states they made quick work of their clothing, focused as they were on closing the distance between them.

Kei wasn't positive what he was supposed to be doing so he followed Tadashi's lead. When Tadashi moaned against his lips he thrust his tongue into Tadashi's mouth, enjoying the lingering taste of ramen and booze. When Tadashi pressed a hand into the small of his back he ground against him with an appreciative grunt. And when Tadashi drew his knees up, allowing Kei to nestle between his thighs, Kei slid as gently as he was able into him, giving a small hiss of pleasure as he was enveloped by the exquisite warmth.

Tadashi let his head fall back as Kei began a slow, deliberate rhythm. The sound of their panting filled his ears and Tadashi's moans of his name grew louder as Kei became more confident. He gripped Tadashi's hips and thrust fast and deep, driving them both closer and closer to the edge, until Tadashi cried out, gripping Kei's arms as he came onto his belly and chest. Kei followed him into ecstasy shortly thereafter and collapsed against him, exhausted but buzzing with pleasure and contentment. Within minutes, both were fast asleep.

Kei woke with a start around sunrise, owner of a splitting headache and an uneasy stomach. He felt hot and sticky, and one of his arms was asleep. He spent several groggy seconds thoroughly confused before memories of the previous night came rushing back. He sat up in a panic. Had he...had they really?! He looked down at himself. Yes, he was stark naked and lying next to Tadashi, who was – oh god – also naked. Kei covered his face with his hands, his cheeks uncharacteristically warm. He had no idea what to do, no clue what Tadashi would expect from him after an encounter like that. He wondered for a moment if he could sneak away without waking Tadashi, then felt ashamed of himself. For one thing, Tadashi had been unfailingly patient and understanding and deserved more respect than a hit and run. For another, Kei already knew it was better to face the music than to run away and wonder when the consequences would catch up to him, so he beat back the panic and took a long, steadying breath before nudging Tadashi awake.

~~

It had been three days since Kei's awkward departure from Tadashi's house and subsequent walk of shame to his own. Work had been out of control and Takashi was making no bones about this desire to have the nice babysitter back for a visit, seizing every opportunity to whack Kei across the head with the stuffed bear she'd left behind. He worried more with each passing day that Tadashi would think he'd abandoned him, but he'd been run ragged every day and hadn't been able to find a spare moment to have the conversation he knew they needed to have. It wasn't until the third night, when Takashi went to bed without a fight, and Kei was graced with a lull in the madness. He sat on his bed in the dark and stared at his phone, unsure of how to break the ice, and finally settled on texting a simple _hey_. To his extreme relief, Tadashi was quick to respond.

_Hey. Listen, this doesn't have to be weird. I'm okay with it if you want to forget about it._

Kei knew Tadashi was just being his usual understanding self and offering him an out, but he couldn't decide how to feel about it. He was a little hurt by the idea that Tadashi would want to forget about it, but he also felt like an asshole for wanting to accept the offer. He couldn't seem to think back on that night without feeling confused and a little alarmed. He'd be lying to himself if he tried to pretend he'd never had the sudden urge to bury his face into Tadashi's neck or felt an exciting static when they brushed against each other during normal interactions, but he would never have realized how much he was capable of desiring his friend if it hadn't been for the alcohol dissolving his usually-impenetrable emotional barriers. He would certainly have never acted on it without the help of such copious amounts of booze. Now that it was done, though...

 _I don't really want to forget about it,_ Kei responded, opting for total transparency, _but I'm not really sure how I feel about it._

_That's okay, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I just want us to still be friends._

Kei breathed a sigh of relief. He knew he probably shouldn't be so glad to be off the hook, but he really wasn't prepared for such a big shift in his personal life. 

_Me too. For what it's worth, I liked it,_ Kei admitted, his cheeks burning even though nobody was there to see. _I just don't want anything to change right now._

_I'm okay with that. We're good._


	2. It's Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei gets some big news.
> 
> At some point I'll write longer chapters, but for now I'll try to make up for the lack of length with satisfying content. Enjoy, and don't forget to let me know if you do!
> 
> Oh, one more thing! At some point I'd like to have beta readers. I've never had anyone beta for me before, so I'm not really sure how that works, but if anyone is interested please let me know!

True to their agreement, things between Kei and Tadashi had returned to something resembling normal within a handful of weeks, except for the fact that Kei had agreed to meeting for food with unusual frequency (though he studiously avoided anymore drinking). It was as much for fun as it was for his sanity – he found he couldn't resist the opportunity to hand Takashi over to the babysitter, Ms. Aina, who'd become a fast favorite and seemed to be helping Takashi improve. Improvement with Takashi meant that life in general was much better.

Takashi was having fewer tantrums and had picked up a handful of words under Ms. Aina's tutelage, and breakdowns in communication were becoming less of a trigger. Kei had sweet-talked her into coming over three days a week to occupy Takashi while he cooked and cleaned. He didn't even mind the money he was losing by keeping her around since their quality of life had improved noticeably. In fact, he'd grown used to – even fond of – her presence in his home. He was glad to have her and her natural ability to engage Takashi, since try as he might he'd never been the best at any of the things she could do. He found he really enjoyed listening to the sound of her kind voice as he went about his household tasks, smiling to himself at the way she prompted Takashi with simple riddles, encouraged him through tough conundrums, and told stories that could only ever appeal to a toddler and which drew peals of silly laughter from Takashi.

On one such night Kei was going through Takashi's toys, paring the number down while Takashi was distracted. Ms. Aina had expressed a suspicion that more was going on with Takashi's behavior than simple distress over his mother's abandonment and suggested Kei spirit away the louder, flashier toys while she kept Takashi engaged. Feeling hopeful that it could be part of a solution to Takashi's behavior struggles, Kei dutifully sorted the toys, stuffing the possible offenders into a garbage bag and chuckling a little as he listened to Ms. Aina try and fail to teach Takashi how to say, “daddy.” He was about halfway through the task when he got an alarmingly cryptic text from Tadashi.  
  
_We need to talk._  
  
That phrase, universally known as the harbinger of bad news, was not the type of thing Kei expected from the ever-optimistic and laid back Tadashi. As such, he was instantly rattled. Why was he telling him they needed to talk? He frowned as he picked up his phone and typed out a reply, hoping to gauge how serious this particular _we need to talk_ was by how soon Tadashi insisted they do so.  
  
_Now?_  
  
_As soon as possible_ , came Tadashi's almost instant reply.

Shit. Kei sighed, feeling a heavy pit of stress forming in his stomach. He had a sneaking suspicion this had something to do with that drunken night. His hands suddenly took on a slight tremor which made responding frustratingly difficult.  
  
_Where?_  
  
He began stuffing toys into the trash bag without thinking, and tied it off so forcefully he tore it. He cursed as his phone went off again.

 _My place._  
  
Unable to deal with the thought of waiting any longer than necessary to find out what Tadashi had on his mind, he abandoned his task and apprised Ms. Aina of his urgent need to go out for a little while, bestowing Takashi with a rushed farewell kiss on the head, and set out for Tadashi's house immediately.  
  
_Be there in ten,_ he texted.

 

When he arrived Tadashi was standing outside his front door looking positively miserable, a nervous expression on his face, his hands stuffed as deeply into his pockets as they could go. He murmured a quiet, “hey,” as Kei approached, not quite making eye contact, and the entire scene had Kei more worried than ever.  
  
“Hey,” Kei said, trying to keep his voice light, “What's up?”  
  
Tadashi seemed to shrink under Kei's gaze, ducking his head and drawing his shoulders forward, making Kei wonder awkwardly if he looked angry. He tried to soften his expression but wasn't sure what kind of success he was having given the helter-skelter state of his emotions. It didn't matter much anyway, Tadashi was staring resolutely at the ground, avoiding looking at Kei. They stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity before Kei decided the suspense was too much.  
  
“Yama.” He reached out and placed a hand on Tadashi's shoulder. “Is everything okay?”  
  
Tadashi continued staring at the ground and shook his head. “No. It's not. You're gonna hate me,” he said miserably.  
  
“What do you mean?” Kei gripped his other shoulder, trying to get him to look up. “Look at me, will you? What's going on?”  
  
Tadashi covered his face and sank suddenly to the ground, slipping out of Kei's grip. Something was really wrong and Kei could feel his grasp on his composure weakening and a hint of panic beginning to set in. He kneeled in front of Tadashi, who was shaking his head again, about to insist that Tadashi tell him what was wrong immediately, when Tadashi spoke.

“Just try not to be mad, Tsukki, I know you said you didn't want anything to change,” he said, and took a shuddering breath, “but I'm pregnant.”

Kei was pretty sure his heart had stopped. He felt strangely numb and detached, not unlike the feeling he'd had the night they'd gotten drunk. The night that had resulted in the bombshell that had just been dropped on his head. He drew Tadashi mechanically into a firm hug, insisting that it would be okay despite feeling absolutely certain, in that moment, that this situation was the farthest from being okay that it was possible to be.

How could he have let this happen? Given the tumultuous nature of his life over the past year, he'd never have believed he would be capable of taking such big risks as he had that night. Thinking back, he'd known it was foolish to ignore all of his inhibitions, but he'd been so lonely for so long and was drunk enough to not care. He kicked himself mentally. Tadashi was shaking in his arms and Kei felt so stupid, so useless for not being able to think of anything better to say than, _it's okay, it's okay._

“I'm sorry, Tsukki. I'm sorry,” Tadashi kept saying.  
  
Kei shook his head. “No, I'm sorry, I'm the one who should be sorry,” he said, “I should have known better, I swore I'd never do this again.”

“What are we going to do?” Tadashi asked quietly. Kei knew what he was really asking. Did he want to terminate? Was he going to be angry about this when the shock wore off? Would he be able to stand being around Tadashi anymore?  
  
Kei took him by the shoulders again and leaned back so he could look him in the eyes. “We're going to figure this out together. Come back to my place, we'll get Takashi settled and talk it out, okay?”  
  
The look of relief on Tadashi's face bolstered Kei's spirits and helped him regain his bearings and get grounded again. He helped Tadashi stand and put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close, and Tadashi put an arm around his waist. They made the walk back to Kei's house in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. By the time Kei slid the key into the lock on his front door he felt like he'd run a marathon. As they entered the house he noticed all the toys he'd thrown into the garbage bag scattered across the living room, with the exception of one which was grasped in Takashi's chubby hand and being bashed against the floor. Ms. Aina held the torn trash bag, casting an apologetic smile in Kei's direction as she began picking up the toys.  
  
“Sorry about that,” she said, stooping to pick up a loudly blaring musical plastic monkey, “He can be quite a sneaky fellow!”  
  
Takashi looked around to see who Ms. Aida was talking to and noticed Kei.  
  
“DADDY! Dada, Dada!”  
  
He threw down the toy and ran to Kei, and hugged him around the legs. Kei suddenly found he was unable to keep his composure. He knelt down, pulling Takashi into a fierce hug, and began to cry in earnest. Ms. Aida, ever perceptive, immediately launched into action, leading Tadashi to the kitchen with a matronly smile and setting to work preparing a cup of tea for him, introducing herself and chatting with him, giving Kei time to sort himself out.  
  
Takashi's arms were sticky, and he smelled like dirt and something sweet. Kei clutched him as if it were the last time he'd ever see him.  
  
“Dada, no no no,” Takashi told him, petting the back of his head. “No no no.”  
  
“I'm sorry, Takashi. I'm not crying because I'm sad, I just love you a lot and it makes me really happy.”  
  
Takashi squeezed his neck and placed a messy kiss on his cheek. “Yove Dada!” he declared, and then reached toward the toy he'd discarded in his haste to greet him. Kei let him down and swiped at his eyes, hoping they weren't too red as he made his way to the kitchen. Ms. Aida pulled a chair away from the table for him and set a cup of steaming tea at his spot.

“I'll get Takashi settled, you don't worry about a thing,” she said, patting Kei's shoulder. She gathered Takashi and carried him to the bathroom, leaving a heavy silence in their wake. Kei was the first to break it. Pointing at Tadashi's cup he said, “You're not drinking your tea.”  
  
Tadashi shook his head. “I'm not feeling very well.”  
  
Now that Kei was looking at him, he did look a bit pale. His face had become a little drawn and there were dark circles under his eyes. Kei wondered how much of that was because of the stress of finding out he was pregnant and how much was actually due to early pregnancy symptoms. Kei picked at a small imperfection on the side of his cup.  
  
“Is that what made you realize?”

Tadashi nodded. “I just couldn't shake it. I haven't been able to eat very much, everything makes me want to puke, even smells. I thought I was sick but it's been like three weeks since it started.”

Kei did some mental math, trying to remember how many weeks it had been since that night. Eight? Nine?

“It's been nine weeks,” Tadashi said, as if reading his mind.

“That long already,” Kei murmured. “Have you seen a doctor yet?”

It was a simple question but Tadashi relaxed visibly when he asked. That question meant Kei wasn't angry and he didn't want to terminate. Tadashi placed his hands on either side of his cup to warm them and gave a sigh, and seemed to regain some of his usual sunshine.

  
“I have an appointment later this week.”  
  
They fell into another long silence, more comfortable this time. Kei could feel himself slipping back into the role he'd taken on when his ex had told him she was pregnant. Nine weeks. The baby was an inch long, about the size of a grape, and would look like a gummy bear on an ultrasound screen. _Their baby_ was already big enough to be seen, he thought with a jolt. He wanted to go to the first appointment. He wanted to be at every ultrasound. His heart began to pound, he was starting to get attached already. He felt like he must be crazy for it, but he had to admit to himself that he was a little excited.  
  
They both came out of their thoughts suddenly, speaking at the same time.  
  
“Tadashi, can I-”  
  
“Tsukki, I-”  
  
They paused awkwardly.  
  
“You first,” said Tadashi, gesturing at Kei.  
  
“I want to go with you this week. I want to go as many times as I can, if work will let me,” Kei said.  
  
Tadashi smiled wanly. “I'd like that. I just want you to know that you still don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I don't have any expectations of us being together or anything like that. I know things are rough for you and I never meant to make life more complicated for you.”  
  
Kei shook his head. “Stop acting like this is all your fault. It takes two to tango, so let's stop apologizing and move forward. I really do want to be there, so will you let me do that?”  
  
Tadashi's smile widened, his face growing slightly pink, and he suddenly became very interested in the woodgrain pattern of the tabletop. “Yeah,” he said, “I'd really like that.”  
  
“Good. And I'd really like it if you'd stay here, at least tonight.”  
  
Kei's heart was pounding again. He wasn't insinuating anything sexual, but he was overcome with the urge to be near Tadashi all the time. He was already thinking of reasons he could use to make it happen every day, but he felt it especially important that Tadashi stay today. The way he saw it, the situation was what it was, and the fruits of their stuffed-down passion would be obvious soon enough; maybe it was time to stop stuffing that passion down. Kei wasn't much for romantic overtures, he preferred a staunch, practical approach to all things in life, but he wanted to make it clear to Tadashi that he was willing to play an active role in all of this.  
  
“Stay,” he said again, staring earnestly at Tadashi, whose blush was inconcealable by that point.  
  
“Okay. I'll stay.”

 

~~

 

Kei woke sometime around 3 a.m. to the sound of Tadashi climbing back into bed, a very groggy Takashi curled around him.  
  
“Sorry,” whispered Tadashi, “I heard him crying. I know I shouldn't have but I felt bad for him.”  
  
He settled himself onto his pillow, putting Takashi between them, and pulled the covers over them. Kei rolled to face them and put an arm around both of them. “It's okay,” he said, his voice still heavy with sleep, “It's okay.”


	3. Reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is much Kei and Takashi fluff.

Kei stared down at the picture in his hands. A small black and white printout on flimsy, shiny paper, it wouldn't have made much sense to anyone who didn't know what they were looking at, but Kei couldn't stop staring. The small gummy bear-shaped blob pictured therein was going to change their lives soon, and his mind was just as blown this time as it had been when it was Takashi's first ultrasound picture he was staring at.

He was excited in spite of the abject fear he still felt drumming under the surface of his conscious thoughts. But there was something else, too. Guilt. He felt guilty because he'd only just managed to start sorting things out with Takashi. He'd only just found a breakthrough that would allow him to bond with his first baby - the child who'd changed him from a sarcastic, acerbic person into a mellowed out sarcastic, significantly less acerbic father - and he didn't feel as if he had enough time with just he and Takashi, as they were now, before the new baby arrived. Another change, and it wouldn't just change Kei's life, it would rock Takashi's world. Again.

He wondered if there would ever be a time when he could escape the guilt he always lived with now. Things had been on the up and up with Takashi but sometimes the drastic difference in his behavior in recent weeks made Kei realize how blind and closed off he'd really become before Ms. Aina had stepped in and offered a fresh perspective. He'd never been very good at discerning the motivation behind other peoples' behavior and it had been no different with Takashi. It should have been different, he thought, because Takashi wasn't just any other person. Takashi was his son, dammit, he shouldn't have let it get so out of hand! He wished he were as perceptive with people as Ms. Aina was.

Ms. Aina was the one who suggested that Takashi may have an underlying cause for his behavior aside from simply missing his mother. Kei had failed to notice, but she realized that there was a sort of consistency to Takashi's outbursts. He wasn't just screaming and crying for the hell of it because there were times he should have cried and didn't, like after a scraped knee or a bee sting. At times like that he didn't seem to react much to pain, or it took him longer to realize the pain than was strictly normal, yet things like putting on socks could trigger a massive tantrum.  
  
"Sensory Processing Disorder," Ms. Aina had said to him, "That's what I think. Now, don't just take my word for it, he needs to be evaluated by someone who isn't retired, but I think that's what this is. And you may want to take him to have his ears checked too, I wonder if he can hear very well. Has he had any ear infections?"  
  
Kei, who had never noticed any ear infections, had felt like the world's most horrible dad when the pediatrician confirmed a current ear infection and referred them to a specialist to investigate further into the possibility that they'd been chronic.  
  
"Try not to feel badly, Mr. Tsukishima, some kids never let on they're feeling any pain. He was probably just too busy playing to stop and let you know."

The pediatric ear nose and throat specialist didn't seem to have any doubt that Takashi had been dealing with chronic ear infections, and echoed Takashi's regular pediatrician, assuring Kei that lots of parents didn't catch on until it had been going on for some time. Kei still felt like shit about it. Takashi was going to need a round of antibiotics for the current infection, and then the specialist wanted to schedule him for surgery to have tubes inserted into his ears to aid drainage and clear up his hearing. The prognosis was really good, the doctor didn't expect that any lasting damage had been done and seemed confident that the tubes would solve a lot of Takashi's communication triggers. He'd be able to properly hear other people speaking, making picking up language much easier for him, which would, in turn, decrease the likelihood of him having tantrums out of frustration. Kei scheduled him then and there, unwilling to pass on any opportunity that could improve life for Takashi.

Relieved as he was that Takashi's behavior problems were being unraveled, though, he felt he'd be remiss in ignoring his failure up to now. Determined to change the convention that had settled over their relationship and repair things between them, he'd been doing his best to remain attentive and understanding of Takashi and his perspective of the world. In addition to scheduling Takashi with an Occupational Therapist for an evaluation to confirm or deny SPD, Kei had picked up a few parenting books for ideas of different and more proactive ways to approach parenting Takashi. The goal was not just fewer tantrums, but real bonding with his son.

What had happened in the time since then left Kei both elated and heartsick. Takashi had shown himself to be both highly intelligent and deeply caring. Beyond what you'd expect from a child of two, he had an irrepressible passion for exploration and discovery. What Kei had once seen as destruction and mess-making, he now saw as Takashi driving his learning, mapping out the world and storing away all of the knowledge he gained. Instead of barring Takashi's access to things like the lower kitchen cabinets and drawers of clothing, he actively helped him explore, sometimes leaving the cabinet doors tantalizingly cracked or leaving the corner of a shirt hanging out of one drawer. Kei enjoyed figuring out how he could bait Takashi into exploring something he'd set up and watching to see if it was successful. Nothing was more satisfying than when it actually worked.

Easily the worst (or, perhaps, the best) thing about getting on Takashi's level was that Kei could see himself so clearly in his son, in the way Takashi felt his emotions so deeply but refused to let on that anything was wrong until it became too much for him to continue holding it in. Kei could so easily imagine how Takashi must feel as a kid for whom practically everything was overwhelming; it was really no wonder he'd spent so much time melting down, and Kei felt terrible about it.

If he thought about it, he and Takashi were in similar positions just then, living with overwhelming emotions and changes and trying their best to learn how to deal with them. Shit, as an adult Kei was still pretty bad at dealing with emotional situations, he didn't see how he could expect a two year old to deal with things like that any better. He was steadfastly resolved to set a better example for Takashi, hopefully giving him the opportunity to grow into someone who didn't have to struggle every time his life was upended.

Kei felt like he was running out of time, though. Out of forty total weeks of pregnancy Yama was already twelve weeks in. Only twenty-eight left, and that was such a small blip of time compared to how much Kei felt he'd wasted being an incomprehensive ass. Sure, he'd be able to continue working on his and Takashi’s relationship after the baby arrived but there would be considerable hurdles to jump at that point - namely finding a balance between tending to a newborn and tending to Takashi, and the fact that Takashi would almost certainly regress at least a little. Kei knew better than to expect Takashi would handle a new baby perfectly in stride.

He set aside the ultrasound picture and laid his head down, blocking out the light with his arms. Takashi's first occupational therapy appointment was in two hours and Kei was really looking forward to it. He’d already filled a the lengthy questionnaire the practice had sent in the mail about Takashi’s behavior, and added some notes about the progress he’d made with Ms. Aina’s help. He didn't know what to expect from their first therapy session but hoped he would learn a thing or two they could practice at home, and that Takashi would like it. He'd need to wake Takashi from his nap in a few minutes so they could take their time getting ready, but wanted to take advantage of his last few minutes of downtime to check on Yama.

He picked up his phone, thinking about how miserable Yama had been lately. He was struggling a lot with nausea and food aversions and spent most of the time he wasn't at work sleeping. Kei had hoped he would stay over more often but Yama had sensibly suggested that it might be alarming to have him around being sick all the time, and that it might hinder Takashi's progress to change things again by adding someone to the household so suddenly, even someone he was normally very comfortable with. They had discussed gradually increasing the amount of time Yama spent at Kei's house but had an unspoken understanding that it wasn't something that was going to happen until Yama was feeling better.  
  
Kei still checked in with him every day, doing so in person when Ms. Aina was around to be with Takashi, and he was hoping Yama would be able to bear meeting up for a short trip to the park today after Takashi's appointment. He tapped out a quick text - _How are you feeling?_ \- and got up to prepare Takashi's backpack. A change of clothes, diapers, some snacks, a puzzle. Kei was sure they'd have plenty for Takashi to play with at the therapy office but he wanted to be prepared in case Takashi decided he didn't want to run and play at the park. Once Kei was satisfied with what he had packed he made his way to Takashi's room to wake him up, pausing when he got there to take in what was probably his favorite sight in the world.  
  
Takashi was lying on his stomach, his knees tucked under him and his rump in the air, both arms tucked under his chest, and his face smushed endearingly into the mattress. He was positively angelic, his face framed as it was by his delicate blonde curls, and was completely relaxed in sleep. He had a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth that Kei found rather contagious. He really hated to wake Takashi when he was sleeping so deeply and peacefully, but he knew it would be worth it. He reached out a hand and gave Takashi's hair a gentle rub.  
  
"Takashi. Wake up, little mister. We have a big day today."

He was rewarded with a small groan and nothing more, so he gave Takashi a slightly more vigorous rub on the back.  
  
"Baby. Time to get up. Come on."  
  
He reached in with both hands and scooped Takashi up, pulling him close and reveling in the feeling of little arms around his neck. Takashi smelled like lavender baby shampoo and was still warm from being curled into himself during his nap. Kei hugged him tightly, trying to memorize how it felt to embrace his small frame so he could revisit this feeling when Takashi was grown and gone. It never failed to amaze him how strongly he felt about this tiny person. He would do anything to ensure his son a good life.

Takashi snuggled against his neck. "Bea, daddy," he murmured.

Anymore, Takashi wasn't willing to leave the house without the teddy bear Ms. Aina left after her first visit. It was already pretty dirty and a little smelly, and Kei was trying to figure out a way to get it through the wash without Takashi freaking out, but he didn't fight Takashi's need to have it around. It was his constant reminder of Ms. Aida, the first person who'd seen him for who he really was, and Kei could appreciate that. He rifled around in Takashi's blanket, which was bunched up in a corner of his crib, and extricated the bear, which Takashi accepted gratefully.

As he went about getting Takashi prepared for his appointment he wondered when he’d hear from Yama. Usually when it took him a long time to respond it was because he was sleeping, so Kei didn’t think he needed to worry. If he hadn’t heard from him by the time they finished therapy he’d check on him on the way home.

~~

To Kei’s eternal relief, Takashi really enjoyed therapy. The Occupational Therapist they’d seen, and would continue seeing indefinitely, very clearly belonged in her field of expertise, and therapy was a lot like play. Takashi was given a working diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder with both seeking and avoiding behaviors, and Kei was equipped with a comprehensive list of activities to try and resources to check. He hoisted Takashi onto his shoulders for the walk home and dug his phone out of his pocket to see if Yama had responded while his phone was off. There was one notification waiting for him.

_About the same. How was therapy?_

Leave it to Yama to feel like shit and still be thinking of them.

_Actually pretty great. Takashi loved it. Think you could manage meeting up at the park?_

_I think I can survive that. Can we get shaved ice?_

Kei smiled at that. He was finally starting to get cravings, was he? It was endearing, there was no way he’d turn it down.

_Yeah, meet us there._

“Alright, Takashi,” he said, stuffing his phone back into his pocket and gripping Takashi’s ankles, “Let’s go to the park, what do you say?”

Takashi swung his legs excitedly, bouncing against Kei’s neck. “Daddy, go!” he declared, pointing forward.

~~  
  
Kei and Takashi were in line to order their shaved ice when Yama arrived, greeting Kei with a wave and Takashi with a poke to the belly.  
  
“Mama!” Takashi declared. Yama’s cheeks reddened.  
  
“Yama,” Kei corrected him.  
  
“Mama,” Takashi insisted.  
  
Kei tried not to laugh since Yama looked so uncomfortable, but this was probably one of Takashi’s funnier mistakes. They’d started trying to teach Takashi to say ‘Yama’ since it was easier than ‘Tadashi,’ Kei going so far as to use ‘Yama,’ while on the phone or just talking about Tadashi in hopes that Takashi would hear him and imitate him.   He’d actually fallen back into the old habit of thinking of Yama by that name instead as a result of their efforts. Still, they hadn’t made much progress getting Takashi to say it. They’d been at it for weeks and this was the first sign that Takashi was starting to grasp the name, so Kei wasn’t really inclined to fight it. He shrugged and gave Yama an apologetic smile.  
  
“Sometimes you just have to choose your battles, Mama,” he said with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Yama said, elbowing Kei in the ribs.

Once they’d paid and settled on a bench near the toddler play structure Kei let Takashi run free to do as he pleased since he was no more inclined to eat his shaved ice today than he’d been last time, but was much calmer expressing it. Kei kept an eye on him as he and Yama chatted.

“So are you still opting out of the NT scan?” asked Kei, looping his arm through Yama’s.  
  
Yama stared at his shaved ice, suddenly looking a bit peaky. “Yeah. They already took enough blood to feed a family of vampires to run the first round of tests. I really don’t need to be drained of anymore of my precious lifeblood, and if I do the scan they’re gonna want to do that.”  
  
Kei pouted a bit. “But the _scan_ ,” he whined.

Yama patted his arm. “I know. But the false positive rate is also pretty high and I don’t want to possibly be worried about preparing for Down’s if it’s not actually going to happen. And there’s always the 18-week scan, that’s only six weeks away.”

Kei sighed. “I guess so. It seems like forever away, the last picture we have looks like a gummy bear. The baby actually looks like a baby now, I really want to see.”  
  
“Patience is a virtue!” Yama said, leaning against him playfully.  
  
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Kei pushed back against him. “Hey, let’s get a picture,” he said, pulling his phone out. Yama chuckled.  
  
"Really, a selfie?"  
  
Kei's only response was a smirk, which rapidly faded as he made to unlock his phone. A notification had come in just as he was swiping his screen, and what he saw chilled him to the core.  
  
_6:04 PM Kimi: I miss you._  
  
He stared at the screen, squeezing his phone until his knuckles were white, unable to formulate a coherent thought, until Yama spoke up.  
  
“Kimi?”  
  
Kei whipped his head around to look at Yama. He’d gone pale and set down his untouched shaved ice, and was staring at his knees. It was in that moment that Kei realized they’d begun to slip into something more than simple friendship, and as quickly as he realized it he knew he didn’t want it ruined over a misunderstanding.

“I don’t know why she’s texting me. She hasn’t since she left. I don’t know why she’s texting me.” It was more a plea than anything because he hated the look on Yama’s face and needed him to know it wasn’t anything more than a poorly-timed shock to the system. “Yama, don’t look like that.”  
  
“I kind of want to go home,” Yama muttered, clutching his stomach.

Kei shook his head. “Come with me and Takashi tonight. Please.”  
  
His phone chimed again, reminding him of his unanswered notification. He cursed and angrily swiped open the message to delete it. Yama looked away.  
  
“I really don’t feel well,” he said, “I think I should go home.”  
  
Kei shook his head again. “Please don’t. We haven’t seen you in a week. You can stay over and we’ll walk Takashi to school together tomorrow. Come on. Don’t worry about this, I bet you she doesn’t even text again.”  
  
Yama pressed the back of one hand to his mouth, his other still clutching his stomach, and took several deep breaths. Kei rubbed his back, hoping it was helping and prepared to deal with a mess if there was one, but it seemed to pass after a minute or two and Yama wiped the sweat from his brow with a shaky hand.

“Kei, I really don’t feel well. I’m having a lot of pain here,” he rubbed at his lower abdomen, “and I think I need to lie down.”  
  
“Okay, now I’m worried,” Kei told him, “and you’re definitely coming home with us. Stay here for a second.”  
  
He scanned the playground for Takashi and intercepted him at the bottom of the slide, trying to feign a casual attitude as he lifted him onto his shoulders for the walk home and returned to the bench to collect Yama.  
  
“Hey kiddo, what do you think about Yama coming over for a visit?”  
  
“Mama!”  
  
Yama sighed and held out a hand for Kei to help him up. “Yeah, okay. Mama’s coming for a visit.”

Kei did his best to keep an easy pace for Yama, who still didn't look very well, but he was eager to get home and get him off of his feet.  The walk home seemed to take an age, as did Takashi's bedtime routine, though Takashi was uncharacteristically cooperative when it came time to lie down in his crib.  Kei was buzzing with nervous energy and could barely wait for Takashi to settle into sleep.

The moment he drifted off Kei beat a hasty, quiet retreat and went looking for Yama.  He found him on the couch in the living room, apparently lost in thought, and knelt down in front of him, placing a hand on his knee to get his attention.  
  
“How long has that been happening for?” Kei demanded, sounding more tense than he'd intended.  
  
Yama rubbed at his face with his hands and gave a low groan. “That was the first time it’s happened like that. I get nauseous a lot but it’s never hurt before. I don’t know what that was.”  
  
Kei pulled him to a stand and wrapped him in a hug. “Call the doctor first thing in the morning and explain what happened. I’m taking the day off and we’re going tomorrow after we get Takashi to school.”  
  
Yama nodded and rested his head on Kei’s shoulder.  
  
“And don’t worry about Kimi, okay? I kind of figured she’d pop back up at some point, but there’s no reason to think she’ll try to come back after she already left us and signed away her son. She probably just needs money or something. Don’t even think about it.”  
  
Yama nodded again and wound his arms around Kei. “I’ll do my best,” he said.


	4. The Best Feeling in All the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which life still hasn't stopped being a roller coaster for Kei.

Kei was frustrated. The stoic frown he wore could have rivaled those of his high school days. He had never wanted to hit someone as badly as he wanted to hit the doctor who took Yama that day. As promised, Yama had called to describe the sudden pain and nausea he was stricken with in the park and was squeezed in for an appointment. When the doctor arrived in their room and greeted them Kei thought he seemed very personable and reasonable, but he’d changed his mind very quickly.  
  
“I understand this kind of thing can seem pretty scary, especially for first time parents,” the doctor said to them in what Kei felt was a condescending way. Kei cut him off there.  
  
“I’m not a first time parent,” he declared in a deadpan voice, raising his hand.

The doctor faltered for a moment, then continued. “R-right. Well then I’m sure you realize there’s not very much we can do in situations like these, particularly when there’s no history of pregnancy complications-“  
  
“Well duh, he’s never been pregnant before.” Kei interrupted again, causing the doctor to sigh in exasperation. Yama elbowed him, and Kei muttered an insincere apology.  
  
Yama took the reins. “Is there anything we _can_ do, just for some peace of mind?”  
  
The doctor cleared his throat. “Well, we can listen for a fetal heartbeat with the Doppler, if that will ease your mind. Our ultrasound tech isn’t in today, or we’d fire up the ultrasound machine as well, but locating baby with the Doppler is just as good a way to confirm things are a-okay.”  
  
“So no tests or anything?” Kei asked, “That’s it?”  
  
“There aren’t really any surefire ways to determine the viability of a pregnancy,” the doctor explained, “but there are a few things working in your favor that should help you feel better. For one thing, the majority of early losses will occur before nine weeks gestation, and your spouse is beyond that point already-“  
  
“He’s not technically my spouse.”  
  
The doctor let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose, and Yama smacked Kei in the back of the head.  
  
“Mr. Yamaguchi is beyond that point already,” the doctor bit out, “and if we can find baby on the Doppler that’s really the best way we can know everything is okay. Going forward, if anything like that happens again you can always come back and we can do a pelvic examination to make sure things are still sealed up tight, but we try to avoid anything too intrusive for the most part. And again, we could do an ultrasound but our tech is out. I could always refer you for an off-site ultrasound but the office we partner with is all the way across town and usually can’t get people in for a week or more, and that’s not really helpful in this case.”  
  
Kei huffed a sigh. “No shit.”

Yama put his face in his hands and shook his head. “Can we just do the Doppler?” he mumbled through his fingers.

“Of course.”

The doctor cast an annoyed glance at Kei as he fished a Doppler out of his coat pocket.

“Just lie back for me, please. You’re going to want to lift your shirt and push down the waistband of your pants just a little bit. There you go.”

With Yama flat on his back, Kei could see the faint beginnings of roundness in his belly, down near his hips. He fought the urge to reach out and touch it, clasping his hands together and squeezing them between his knees. He figured it was best not to get in the doctor’s way unless he felt like being ejected for his smartassery and general unhelpfulness.  
  
“This might be a little cold,” the doctor said to Yama as he squeezed a dollop of bottled gel onto his belly, “here we go!”  
  
The Doppler turned on with a loud static sound and the doctor placed the wand on the gel, spreading it around a little. They all fell silent as he slid the wand little by little across the span of skin just below Yama’s navel, the Doppler emitting its scratching noises all the time and picking up the sound of Yama’s pulse at one point, but not yet picking up the baby’s. Yama covered his face with one arm, clearly nervous, and Kei reached out and grasped his other hand.  
  
“Let’s try a little lower, shall we?” The doctor said, still unfazed despite Kei and Yama’s growing anxiety. “It’s still pretty early, sometimes they hang out kind of low for a while.” He positioned the wand quite nearly under the waistband of Yama’s pants and the room was suddenly filled with the sound of a rapid heartbeat. “Aha! There we are! Very nice. Sounds good.”  
  
Kei let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and looked at Yama, who was smiling broadly. The doctor switched off the Doppler and used a tissue to clear the gel off of Yama before offering him a hand to help him sit up.  
  
“It seems like baby is doing fine,” he assured them. “I would suggest just taking it easy for a little while. If you need a note to provide for your job I can give you that. Take a few days off, maybe a week. Make sure you stay hydrated, and I’m gonna say just avoid any heavy lifting, any strenuous activity, that kind of thing. But that’s all just precaution. Honestly, I think everything is fine.”  
  
“Thank you, doctor,” Yama said, offering a hand to shake with the doctor, the relief evident in his voice.  
  
“You’re very welcome,” the doctor replied, taking his hand and giving it a single cursory shake. “When you’re ready you can just check out at the front desk. We’ll see you next time.”

Kei waited until the doctor had exited and closed the door behind him, then grumbled, “That doctor was a douchelord.”

Yama stared at him for a moment and then burst into laughter, a real belly laugh that made Kei inexplicably happy. He joined in, unable to resist laughing along, his relief sweeping over him like a wave. They left the office with stupid smiles on their faces, Yama with his folded up excuse note tucked into his pocket. Kei put an arm around him.  
  
“We have a couple of hours before we have to pick up Takashi. What do you want to do?”

“Ha! Is that even a question?” Yama joked, “I want to take a nap!”

Kei snorted playfully. “A nap?! What, are you pregnant or something?”  
  
“Oh, ha, you’re so funny,” Yama said, bumping against him, “of course I want to take a nap. I always want to take a nap. And I’ll have days off now, so I’m actually allowed. I’m definitely taking a nap.”

He slid a hand into one of Kei’s back pockets, giving his backside a light squeeze. “You should join me.”  
  
Kei’s heart gave a surprised thud. He quirked an eyebrow, trying to pretend he wasn’t nervous about the idea. “Are you gonna be one of those pregnant people who’s always ready to go?”  
  
Yama slid his hand out of Kei’s pocket and under his shirt, ghosting his fingers along Kei’s flank. “Maybe.”

Kei shivered in spite of the late summer warmth. He certainly wasn’t averse to the idea but his first experience with anyone who wasn’t female had been with Yama, and most of his confidence then had been compliments of the alcohol. He was afraid his inexperience and nerves would show without liquid courage in the equation. He was struck by how ludicrous it was that he was so nervous about it when there was already a baby on the way because of it, but he couldn’t help it. This was one of those times when he suspected that Yama had a good deal more experience than he did. Still, he knew he had been good that night because his name had been on Yama’s lips over and over…  
  
An image of Yama, face flushed, eyes half-shut and clouded with pleasure, flashed through Kei’s mind, setting his heart to pounding and sending fire to every muscle in his body. He stopped short and swung Yama around to face him, capturing him in a searing kiss that made his own toes curl. Yama responded in kind, winding his arms around Kei’s neck with a contented moan. Kei slipped his hands under Yama’s shirt and pulled him close.  
  
“A nap sounds great,” he murmured against his lips.

~~

Kei wasn’t sure what woke him up, but a look at the clock confirmed that there was still half an hour before he had to be up to get Takashi. He wasn’t ready to be awake and the cozy heat coming off of Yama was so inviting. He nestled the back of Yama’s neck and let his hand drift to the spot where the doctor had found the baby’s heartbeat. Yama murmured something incoherent in his sleep and covered Kei’s hand with his own. Kei was just drifting back to sleep when his phone went off, yanking him back from the inviting prospect of slumber. He sighed, irritated, and rolled over to grope on his nightstand for his phone.  
  
“What now?” he grumbled, tapping to turn on the screen.

_1:30 PM Kimi: I want to see you._

He felt a familiar coil of anger and tension in his gut, the same sensation he’d felt countless times during the last months of his and Kimi’s doomed marriage and the first months following her departure. _She_ was the one who decided to leave. She was the one who started ignoring Takashi, putting the responsibility for his care entirely on Kei’s shoulders. She was the one who started answering phone calls in the middle of their conversations and meals together; she was the one who bailed almost every night to be with some friend or another, leaving Kei to clean up the house and tend to Takashi when he woke in the night. She was the one who said that having a baby wasn’t what she had expected, and that she didn’t think it was fair to keep sticking around when her heart wasn’t in it. She was the one who’d relinquished custody of her own son and run off to live whatever thrilling life she’d envisioned for herself. She had no right to contact him all of a sudden and expect that he would give her the time of day.

He deleted the message and turned off his phone, tossing it haphazardly onto the nightstand before rolling toward Yama and wrapping him in another embrace. He really didn’t have time for this shit, and now any hope of finishing his nap was ruined by the stress simmering at the back of his mind. He decided not to tell Yama because he secretly believed it was seeing Kimi’s text that had triggered his episode in the park and he didn’t want it to happen again. He’d delete a thousand of Kimi’s messages if he needed to, if it meant shielding Yama from enduring anything potentially perilous. He certainly wasn’t obligated to humor the whims of his insufferable ex, particularly not when all of Takashi’s progress _and_ the relative tranquility of his blossoming relationship with Yama were likely to be jeopardized by her sudden reappearance. She could kick rocks for all he cared.

When it was time to get up he did his best to sneak away so Yama could rest, picking up his phone as he went but procrastinating when it came to turning it on. He scribbled a note telling Yama not to be a pregosaurus about being left behind and put it on the nightstand for him to find in case he woke up before they were back. As he made his way to Takashi’s school he found his thoughts wandering to Kimi. It seemed unavoidable, thinking of her, and Kei was irritated about it. He couldn’t stop wondering what she wanted and what kind of trouble she could cause. He wondered if she would demand to see Takashi, and how Takashi would react if he saw her again. Would he be happy? Confused? Would he refuse to interact with her? He wondered what he would do if Takashi were happy to see his mother again. Kei had the right, in a legal sense, to refuse to let Kimi see him, but could he really drive a wedge between Takashi and his mother just because of her past actions? Would that really be what was best for Takashi? And then there was Yama. If Takashi wanted Kimi around, how would Kei broach that topic and what kind of strain would it put on Yama?

He shook his head, as he approached the school, trying to stop the downward spiral of his thoughts before they soured his mood any further. He was excessively glad Ms. Aina was due for a visit that day because he wasn’t sure how gracefully he could handle the evening routine with such stressful thoughts muddling everything else in his head. Takashi’s vivacious greeting and affectionate squeeze cheered Kei considerably. Placing Takashi in his customary position atop his shoulders, Kei decided to push away the negative thoughts that had plagued him on his walk to the school and engaged Takashi in a lively, mostly one-sided conversation about his day at school, and reminded him that Ms. Aina would be coming over. The plan for the evening included the introduction of a couple of sensory activities for Takashi, which Ms. Aina had happily agreed to help with.  
  
“Mama!” Takashi declared, mussing Kei’s hair.  
  
“Yeah, Yama’s at our house. Do you want to see him?”  
  
“Mama, Mama!”  
  
“Alright, well, Mama was taking a nap so we might have to be quiet, but you can play with him when he gets up, okay?”  
  
“Mama!”  
  
Takashi continued this refrain in spite of Kei’s efforts to guide him onto other topics. Kei wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, but it didn’t seem like Takashi was going to be satisfied with anything but seeing Yama, which had Kei hoping he’d be awake when they got home. He was a little afraid Takashi wouldn’t be interested in what they had planned for him unless Yama would also be participating. His worry was short-lived, however, because Yama was waiting for them on the front step when they arrived. Takashi nearly knocked Kei’s glasses off trying to get to him.  
  
Kei sighed, adjusting his glasses, and shrugged. “He’s been demanding to see you since we left school. He was happy to see me for about two seconds, and then it was all about you.”  
  
“Clearly it’s because I’m the best,” Yama said with a grin, “Right, Takashi?”  
  
“Mama!”  
  
“Yeah, Mama!” Yama echoed. “Hey, guess what? Ms. Aina’s here. Let’s go see her!”  
  
“Bea!” Takashi squealed, smacking Yama on the chest in his excitement. “Go!”

They found Ms. Aina in the kitchen unwrapping a very puffy hunk of what looked to be bread dough.  
  
“What is it we’re doing today?” Yama asked, eyeballing the dough.

“Takashi is going to help us make bread,” she said, pulling a chair from the table to the counter. Yama stood Takashi on the chair, steadying him with a hand at the small of his back. Ms. Aina plopped the ball of dough onto the counter in front of Takashi and patted it.  
  
“Alright, Takashi, what I need you to do is to smush this dough down. You can do it however you like, we just need it to be all squished up. Like this!” She pressed a fist into the dough, creating a large dent in the center. “Now you try!”

Takashi wasted no time. He brought one chubby fist down onto the dough, then the other. His face lit up with laughter, he pummeled the dough, sometimes using his fists, sometimes smacking at it with open hands, sometimes digging his fingers in to create holes. Kei and Yama joined in with enthusiastic encouragements and their own pokes and prods at the dough, and Ms. Aina occasionally assisted by rolling it into itself to keep it together. For the first time all day Kei was free of any thoughts of his ex-wife, thinking instead of how nice it would be to have many more evenings just like this one. The bread that was made from the battle worn lump of dough on his countertop would be tough and chewy but it didn’t matter when the result was a fun exercise for Takashi, a bright smile from Yama, the steadfast affection of Ms. Aina, and loud, satisfying laughter from them all. Kei wished it didn’t have to end but Takashi soon wore himself out, having beaten down the dough to a fraction of the size it had been. Ms. Aida shaped it into a circle and placed it on a baking sheet, then slid it into the oven, sharing a clumsy high five with Takashi for a job well done.  
  
Takashi reached for Yama then, clinging tightly to his shirt as Kei and Ms. Aina tidied the countertop and replaced the chair. They tried to tempt him into sitting at the table, where Ms. Aina had set up a tabletop chalkboard with some thick chalk, a water bottle, and a sponge, but Takashi didn’t seem interested in it. Instead he hugged Yama’s neck possessively, the beginnings of a pout evident in his expression. Kei could see trouble brewing; that expression on his son was never an indicator of good things to come. Since Takashi had chosen to pass on any further activities, bath time was next and Kei was almost positive it was going to be met with a tantrum. The three adults exchanged wary looks. This was the kind of decision Kei hated having to make. He could either choose break the schedule, which was far better left intact for Takashi’s sense of security, and possibly avoid a tantrum for the moment, or he could choose adhere to the schedule and brave the imminent tantrum head-on. Anticipating a much harder time later if he chose the former, Kei thought it better to adhere to the usual routine. Giving Takashi’s hair an affectionate ruffle, he said, “Almost time for your bath, little mister.”

Takashi’s only response was to bury his face in Yama’s neck and ignore Kei. Ms. Aina touched Kei’s shoulder lightly. “Maybe don’t press it,” she said, “schedule is important but so are teachable moments.”  
  
Kei considered her words. He was more exhausted than he had any right to be, having slept most of the day. Yama looked worn out as well. Ms. Aina would be leaving soon and Takashi wouldn’t learn anything as long as he was in tantrum mode. It was true that he didn’t want to let bad habits slip in and throw off their daily routine, but here was a moment to model compromise. Besides, it _would_ be a lot easier to go along with Takashi’s wishes than to deal with hours of intense screaming. He sighed and combed his fingers through Takashi’s hair. “What would you like to do, Takashi?” he asked.

“Mama. Go bed,” Takashi mumbled into Yama’s shirt.  
  
“I guess he’s starting to take after me,” Yama chuckled, “Going back to bed sounds great right now, actually.”  
  
“You’re not wrong,” Kei agreed. He wasn’t inclined to argue when Takashi’s suggestion aligned so well with his own inclinations. “Alright, buddy. You and Mama can cuddle in bed.” He pressed a kiss onto the top of Takashi’s head and ran a hand down Yama’s arm. “I’ll see Ms. Aina out and wait for the bread to finish, and I’ll be in after that.”

He watched them until they disappeared into the bedroom and then returned to the kitchen to help Ms. Aina gather her things.  
  
“You know,” she said, pausing at the front door, “Takashi has made an incredible amount of progress in a very short period of time. I don’t mean to say you weren’t trying your hardest before, but I want you to know that I’m proud of you for choosing to see things from a different perspective. It has made all the difference in the world for Takashi. You’re a wonderful father.”

It took everything Kei had to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He thought back to the day that Takashi had thrown his marathon tantrum, the day he’d unceremoniously dumped Takashi into his crib and escaped to the back porch to feel sorry for himself. He’d wished for someone to be his partner, to help him gauge his success with Takashi, and Yama and Ms. Aina had materialized as if by magic. It hadn’t been long since then but the abject misery of the prior year seemed like a lifetime ago already.  
  
He took her hands in his and squeezed them gently. “Thank you,” he said. “Thank you for everything. We’ve really come to rely on you, Ms. Aina.”  
  
She squeezed his hands in return. “You’re welcome, of course. Good night.”  
  
Kei smiled to himself as he closed the door behind her. In that moment he felt invincible, like nothing could stop the vibrant growth of his little family. He filled with gratitude and, for once, a true sense of purpose. He no longer felt like a failure, and that was the best feeling in all the world.


	5. Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei thinks back on his relationship with Kimi. See my notes at the end for an inside look at Kimi. I thought I'd give you guys a peek at her character that you wouldn't get just from Kei's perspective. Enjoy!

_4:57 PM Kimi: Hey_  
_5:02 PM Kimi: Are you ignoring me?_  
_5:02 PM Kimi: I just want to talk_

_10:30 PM Kimi: How’s Takashi?_  
  
_1:18 AM Kimi: Are you awake?_

 

Kei clenched his fists and tried not to yell the stream of obscenities that threatened to spill out of his mouth. He had once again been woken from comfortable sleep by a text from Kimi. It had been two and a half months since her first ominous text had arrived and she had not yet given up texting him every day despite his absolute silence. He initially thought that if he ignored her for long enough she would lose interest and give up, but it didn’t seem like she was going to let up anytime soon. On the contrary, she was beginning to send more texts each day than ever. At first he’d only had to deal with one or two texts a day, deleting them without a second thought, but over the last week Kimi had taken to sending strings of messages, grouping them so that his phone would chime several times in succession. Since Yama was over nearly all the time now it was getting difficult to hide the texts or play them off as nothing important, and Kei was put into the position of having to escape to a different room in order to delete her texts without Yama noticing that they were from her. He realized that, as with every situation Kimi had ever put him in, he was quickly losing control of things.

He thought back to the first time he had ever seen her, leaning against the side of the building he would thereafter be returning to as an employee. Interviews had been conducted that day and they’d both been candidates for positions. Jobs with the company were normally more difficult to land and usually went to people with more experience. She hadn’t stood a chance, her interview hadn’t taken long at all. Kei’s family had connections inside the company, however, so even though he was 22 years old and freshly graduated from college his lack of experience was overlooked and his smashing success in college taken into higher account. His interview had been a mere formality. He was nevertheless pleased at the prospect of having cushy paychecks guaranteed from the start of his career, and his good mood left him much more open to the idea of accepting an offer to spend some time with an attractive stranger than he might normally have been. His and Kimi’s first date was later that week.

She was lively and easy to be around, she kept the conversation moving with jokes and a seemingly bottomless fount of pop culture trivia. She seemed incredibly taken with him and made him feel as if he were the best thing that had ever happened to her. Back then it had seemed like a stroke of good fortune that he’d encountered this beautiful, charismatic, fun-loving woman the same day he’d begun a promising new career. Kei was swept away by her vibrant presence; she seemed to compensate for all of his deficiencies and Kei was soon convinced that she was the perfect partner to share his life with. Three months after meeting for the first time, they made a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip to the seaside and eloped. That was the last time in their relationship that Kei felt like he had any clout.

They moved into a small condo and began making a home of it, each adding their own personal touches until they had a haven all their own. Nothing seemed amiss at first, but in hindsight Kei knew that was probably only because the excitement of marriage and a new home had held the inevitable breakdown at bay. Slowly, as the first year of their life together passed, her behavior and mannerisms changed until he didn’t recognize her anymore. Where he had previously believed she was a hard worker and a wonderful friend, she began to show signs of being the type to ride on the coattails of others, mooching and taking credit for other peoples’ accomplishments. She wouldn’t do anything constructive at home and she wouldn’t find anything to do outside of home besides meet up with friends. She had a quick temper and became snappy when she felt Kei was being too insistent about anything. She became more preoccupied with social activities than with tending to their relationship, trying to drag Kei along to parties and bars nearly every night and leaving him behind when he refused. She was reckless with their money, forcing Kei to restrict her to a specific allowance amount, and she was infuriatingly sloppy, constantly going behind Kei after he’d cleaned and organized and leaving things like clothes, food remnants, and shopping bags in her wake.

In fact, it was her messiness that had led Kei to his most shocking discovery about her. Three days before their first wedding anniversary, while rummaging through the closet for a place to hide her gift, he discovered a long, narrow box which held various items that seemed strange to store together – a lighter, a glass tube, and two small plastic bags which held a pill and a white powder, respectively. He’d nearly had a heart attack when he realized he was most likely holding drugs of some sort. He didn’t want to guess what the substances were, and he didn’t want that box anywhere in his home. The implications alone were bad enough; drugs of the sort he’d guessed he had found weren’t something people could get just anywhere, they were almost exclusively procured from a particular organized crime syndicate. He was blown away by the thought of what kind of people she must be associating with when she went out. He didn’t want to think what would happen if it were somehow discovered that things like that were in his home. With shaking hands he’d snapped a picture of the box and its contents, then flushed the substances and threw the rest into the trash.

He wasn’t so much angry when he found that box as he was panicked by the discovery and crushed by the harsh confirmation that he’d really chosen poorly when he married Kimi. He’d suddenly felt claustrophobic in his relationship and didn’t think there was any recourse but to face things head-on and try to fix them. He was too paranoid to seek outside help, lest there be some suspicion that he was also using drugs. Punishments for drug use were severe, and the stigma that went along with it was such that he didn’t want to be associated in any way, even if it were by proxy. The last thing he needed was to have his brand new job taken from him because of what would, at that point, be fair and natural questions about the level of involvement he shared in his spouse’s extracurricular activities. So instead of alerting the authorities to her possession of drugs he had confronted Kimi, showing her the photo when she tried to deny any knowledge of the box, and demanded that she stop wasting money and risking their livelihood by having things like that.  
  
To his dismay his demands fell on deaf ears. Kimi had made it clear she didn’t see a problem with her activities as long as she was discreet, and railed against Kei for throwing away what had been expensive purchases. For days they argued around and around, going to bed separately and angrily and waking up the same, and Kei was prepared to end things with her the next time she refused to see reason. He never got the chance to deliver his ultimatum, however, because the next time they spoke she told him she was pregnant. He didn’t take her seriously at first, thinking she was making it up in order to make him feel he had to stay with her in spite of her deficiencies and absurdities. When she was able to produce a positive test under his watch, he fell into a deep depression, feeling exactly as stuck as she’d hoped he would feel. As long as she was carrying his child he didn’t have the heart to make her leave.

They had entered a sort of peacetime after that. Thanks to her pregnancy Kimi had to abstain not just from her usual partying but also from the drugs, which meant that she was home and sober much more often, and as her pregnancy progressed she needed Kei to help her with things like tying her shoes and reaching things in high places. It was difficult to stay mad in those circumstances, and Kei remembered thinking that things may not go back to the way they were after the baby came. He was positive there wouldn’t be time for partying with a newborn around, and she seemed to be enjoying their dynamic as much as he was. He’d convinced himself that Kimi wouldn’t be able to justify returning to her old lifestyle. He’d been wrong, of course. Kimi hadn’t been at all willing to sacrifice any more than what pregnancy had demanded of her.

From Takashi’s first days of life and forward, Kei was the one doing all the feeding and changing, all the night waking, the rocking and the shushing and the holding. As soon as she was able, Kimi was back at her old habits as if nothing had changed for her. It had been frustrating enough for Kei to deal with her behavior before, but with Takashi to care for on top of everything else, he couldn’t even muster the energy to fight with her. When she came home and scoffed at him for still being awake with the baby, making snide comments about just putting the baby in the crib so she could have Kei all to herself, he would ignore her until she got angry and left. Sometimes she would be gone for days, and he was certain she was cheating on him. He didn’t care.  
  
Takashi had been a colicky baby, his first six months an exhausting and seemingly endless time of near-constant hysterical crying and small pockets of broken sleep. Kei became a zombie, handling all of Takashi’s care except for when he dropped him off at daycare and went to work. He was lucky if he got more than two or three hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, and since he refused to allow his performance to slip at work it was their home that fell into disrepair. His friends, accustomed as they were to his distaste for social engagements, began to worry when he wouldn’t even respond to invites with his usual sarcasm, and eventually began neglecting all forms of communication. Despite his obvious exhaustion and depression, Kimi would come home from her benders and wrap her arms around him, whispering sexy things into his ear, the smell of alcohol strong on her breath. He would stand there, stoic, refusing to react in any way until she left him alone. He always hoped she would give up, but she always tried anyway, as if she couldn’t tell he was disgusted by her, as if she didn’t realize how fundamentally fucked up it was to be doing this to him.

Then one day she came home angry at him, accusing him of being cold and distant, complaining that he spent too much time coddling Takashi, demanding that he make some time for her. In a rare display of unbridled rage, Kei screamed at her, dispatching any misconceptions she may have held about why he was still around, painting as clear a picture as anyone might need of the hatred he had developed of her. Ever the victim, she had responded by informing him that he could go fuck himself, and that it was his fault they were so miserable; that it was bullshit that she had to deal with a crying baby and a husband who didn’t love her, and if that was how he felt then she was leaving. When Kei showed no remorse for his words or indication that he would stop her, she stormed out. When several weeks had passed without any sign of her return Kei swallowed his pride and filed for divorce, winning sole custody of Takashi due to Kimi’s abandonment. That day he had gained back the power he’d given over when he married Kimi, and now, nearly a year and a half later, would be damned if he was going to give it up again.  
  
He’d gone back and forth over the last two months, wondering if she had changed, wondering if it would be in Takashi’s best interest to let them see each other. He wondered if it made him a bad person to act as a shield between Takashi and his mother. He just couldn’t make himself believe she had changed, and he couldn’t bear the thought of giving her access to their son. His anxiety would spin out of control when he imagined the kind of damage she could do to Takashi now that he was aware of the goings-on in his immediate environment, especially given that he already struggled with moments of overwhelm on the best of days. What gave Kei guilt was the idea that he could be misjudging her based on the past, but with the way she had begun unrelentingly barraging him with texts he wasn’t inclined to believe he was wrong about her. It gave him the same feeling of disgust as when she used to wrap her arms around him and whisper into his ear. Just as back then, Kei was sure she was either too blind to see that he wanted nothing to do with her, or she was still too selfish to care.

As he deleted the last of her texts from that day he felt a hand on his arm. He turned to see Yama looking at him, squinting against the light of his screen. His heart sank. He could tell by Yama’s expression that he’d seen whose texts he was deleting.  
  
“She’s still texting you? What is she saying to you?” he asked.  
  
Kei locked his phone, plunging them back into darkness. “Nothing important, she just keeps trying to make me talk to her.” He reached for Yama under the blanket, finding purchase on the warm skin of his burgeoning belly. “I didn’t want to stress you out by talking to you about it. I won’t respond to her.”  
  
Yama slid closer, reaching up to thread his fingers through Kei’s hair, and touched their foreheads together. “I’ve known for a while, I can tell you’ve been hiding something. I don’t like it,” he whispered, “But I think you’re going to have to talk to her.” He was silent for a long time, twisting a tendril of hair around one finger. Kei shifted his hand from place to place on his belly, following the small, rolling movements he felt against his palm.  
  
“It was horrible,” Yama said, “The way things were when you were with her. The way we grew apart. You were always angry, I could never talk to you. I missed you.”  
  
Kei shook his head. “That’s not gonna happen again, Yama, I promise, there’s no way I’d ever go back to her.”  
  
“I know, but you don’t really have to. I know how she is. If she doesn’t want to go away, she won’t. Her just being around will turn everything shitty.”  
  
“Then I’ll press charges for harassment! I’ll tell the police about her drug problem,” Kei insisted, more loudly than intended. Yama sighed and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.  
  
“Do whatever you think is best, Tsukki. I trust you. I just don’t trust her, and I’m going to worry about it no matter what. But do me a favor. Please don’t keep me out of the loop anymore. It’s worse that way.”  
  
Kei wanted to refuse, but he felt like he was getting off rather easy for having been hiding something so big. If it didn’t matter either way, if Yama were going to stress about it regardless of his attempts to soften the impact, then he’d respect his wishes.  
  
“Do you really think I should talk to her?”  
  
Yama nodded against his forehead. “Yeah. If she hasn’t given up yet then I doubt she’s going to. At the very least, maybe you can run her off for another year.”

Kei could tell Yama was grinning in the darkness; trying to lighten the mood the way he always did, bless him. So he smiled too, hoping Yama could tell, and changed the subject.  
  
“Baby’s moving around a lot tonight.”  
  
“Mm-hmm.”  
  
“Are you excited about tomorrow? We finally get to take a peek in there and see who this baby’s going to look like.”  
  
“Mmm.”  
  
“Me, probably,” Kei said. Yama snorted.  
  
“Not likely.”  
  
“You say that, but we’ll see! May the best genetics win!”  
  
Yama ruffled his hair. “Shut up, idiot. Besides, you can’t even tell just from the ultrasound! Those pictures always look like aliens.”  
  
“Speak for yourself, I can totally tell. And that’s how I’ll know that this baby –“ he patted Yama’s belly, “- is going to look just like me.”

“Oh my god, Tsukki, just to go sleep!” Yama said, putting a hand over Kei’s mouth. Kei licked his hand, initiating a brief tussle as they each grabbed at the other’s hand to try and lick it while blocking each other’s attempts. In the end it was Kei who won, being the better blocker. As they settled back into sleep Kei thought about how different it was to be with Yama as compared to being with Kimi. While he was still regretful of having thrown away five years of his life with Kimi, he wasn’t sure he’d have the same appreciation for Yama as he did now without that frame of reference. Yama was someone he could look forward to the future with, where with Kimi the future was something that had freaked him out. And now he finally had something he’d come to believe he never would – comfort, trust, understanding. Now he could set aside his troubles for a while as he fell asleep and take solace in the embrace of someone who really loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kimi has been infatuated with Kei from the moment she first saw him. Pretty much from the word “go” she had a really deep possessiveness of him, the nature of which Kei was unaware at first. Obviously, she couldn’t fake healthy love for long. Over time she became jealous, temperamental, and dismissive of his side in everything. But in her mind she really does love Kei, even to the present day in the story. I don’t think she has any feelings for Takashi at all, she never really wanted anything but to have Kei and live however she wanted to. When I think of her I instantly think of the song [“Fragments” by Jaymes Young](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dV1ZOyrK7Y). I imagine that as being the theme song she’d choose for herself, which should give you some idea of how backwards she’s got everything.
> 
> In terms of personality, Kimi is extroverted, charismatic, narcissistic, unorganized, careless with money, fond of recreational substances, and can be very crass. She’s likeable at first because she’s able to use her charisma and exceptional social presence to make friends. However, as time goes on most people begin to dislike her because she puts herself first, judges others harshly, is constantly in need of the spotlight, and sometimes makes a spectacle of herself and embarrasses her companions. In relationships she acts similarly to the way she does with acquaintances – all is well at first, but as the novelty wears off she becomes distant and puts new social conquests above tending to her romantic partner.  
> __
> 
> Oh, I also thought it would be fun to give some idea of the timeline of events leading up to the story. Kei would have graduated college when he was 22. He entered his career immediately, and met Kimi the day he was hired, then married her three months later, so he was 22 for all of that. He was 23 when she fell pregnant and 24 by the time Takashi was born. Takashi is about a year old when Kei and Kimi divorce, which makes Kei 25 at that time. And it's another year before the start of this story, which makes him 26. In this little world I've built for him, he's almost 27. Our baby is all grown up. T-T


	6. Everything Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei must deal directly with Kimi and is presented with a devastating challenge.

Waiting rooms made Kei uncomfortable. He felt awkward sitting there, close enough to hear the hushed conversations of other people but far enough away to discourage interacting with them. He never knew if he should say something, so he took to pretending to be engrossed in the outdated magazines provided by the office. Today’s article was about maintaining a healthy glow during pregnancy without spending too much time in the sun and he just…couldn’t. He set the magazine down and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. Beside him Yama fidgeted, tapping his heels on the floor and picking at imaginary lint on his shirt.  
  
“You’re fidgeting again,” Kei told him.  
  
“Sorry, Tsukki.”

He stopped tapping but kept inspecting his belly for lint.  
  
The corner of Kei’s mouth quirked into a smile. “Are you nervous?”  
  
“Yeah. Are you?”  
  
“No.” Kei paused. “Maybe a little. Yes. Shut up.”  
  
Yama turned to him. “This isn’t your first rodeo. What are you nervous about?”  
  
“The same things as you, probably. Every baby is different. Anything could happen.”

Crap; that was the wrong thing to say. Though Kei had meant it in a purely factual way, Yama looked more anxious than he had a moment ago.  
  
“But nothing’s going to be wrong, of course. Stuff like that’s really rare.”  
  
Yama nodded but continued looking nervous, and Kei sighed. He looped his arm through Yama’s and returned to avoiding the stares of the other patients in the room, tapping his heels in solidarity when Yama started again. Their noise drew a few stares, but Kei ignored them, wishing Yama’s name would be called sometime within the next century.

Mercifully, a young woman poked her head out of one of the doorways at the periphery of the room and called, “Mr. Yamaguchi?” only a minute or two later, and Kei wasted no time escaping the waiting room, pulling Yama along by the hand.  
  
The woman introduced herself as their ultrasound technician and led them to a cramped room, into which was squeezed a table for the patient, a chair for a guest, and an encouragingly new-looking ultrasound machine. Kei settled himself into the chair as Yama laid back on the table and pulled his shirt up. Their tech switched off the light and moved around to the other side of the table to fiddle with the machine and tuck a towel into Yama’s waistband.  
  
“Hopefully this is still warm,” she said as she squeezed a dollop of gel onto his belly. She grabbed the transducer from its spot. “Ready?”

Yama nodded. Kei felt a flutter of excitement in his stomach and leaned forward for a better look at the screen. Their first view as she placed the transducer against Yama was of the baby’s profile. Kei saw what looked to him to be a perfectly-formed head, a pert little nose, and two plump lips into which was thrust a small fist. He couldn’t help his grin. So this was their baby; all their limbs and digits where they ought to be, measuring perfectly in accordance with the 22-week gestational age, their tiny heart beating in the furious way the hearts of babies that age do. The technician took her time, giving them the opportunity to become acquainted with their little one. She thoroughly checked the baby’s head circumference, spine, arm and leg bones, stomach, heart, and circulation, saving several still images and printing out a handful for Kei and Yama as she went.  
  
“This baby looks great,” she said as she snapping one last still, “No abnormalities, no heart issues. Really good-looking baby. Are we finding out the sex today?”  
  
Kei and Yama looked at each other, both shrugging. Kei hadn’t even thought about it, preoccupied as he had been with work, Takashi’s needs, and Kimi’s texts.  
  
“I wanna know,” Yama told her. Kei shrugged again, agreeing.  
  
It all turned out to be for naught because, try as she might, the tech could neither find an angle that allowed them to see, nor coax the baby, with rapid prods of the transducer against Yama’s belly, to move from the position into which they had nestled. The tech gave it up as a loss with a resigned laugh, and then, as if to make up for it, she switched the machine into 3D. Kei’s heart skipped a beat. There, on the screen, was their baby’s face as it actually looked. The same small fist stuffed into the same plump mouth. A button nose, round cheeks. The baby squinted, as if against a bright light, and yawned. Kei’s hand found Yama’s as they stared, struck suddenly by how real this all was. Their baby. _That was their baby_.  
  
“Perfect, perfect,” the tech murmured as she printed a few 3D images and ripped the strip of photos off of the printer. She handed them to Kei and turned to clean off Yama’s belly and help him up. Kei couldn’t seem to slow the rapid thudding of his heart. He was still terrified of the changes this little person would bring but he was also totally enamored.  
  
As he and Yama prepared to go their separate ways for work Kei tried to hand him the strip of images, but Yama shook his head and pressed it back into Kei’s hands. “Keep them with you while you’re at work today,” he said with an affectionate smile, “I get to be with this kid all day, every day. We’ll put them up on the fridge later, but just hang onto them for now.” They parted with a long hug, and Kei spent the rest of the day sneaking glances at the pictures as he tried to work.

~~

Kei’s walk home was leisurely and uneventful, as Ms. Aina had offered to pick Takashi up from school in hopes that she could bounce some ideas off of his teacher. As eager as he was to get home and listen to Ms. Aina fawn over the ultrasound pictures and fuss over Yama, he was also really enjoying the solitude. He took his time seizing the opportunity to think of how they could explain the upcoming arrival of the new baby to Takashi so that he wouldn’t feel terribly blindsided. He wondered if showing him the ultrasound photos would be too confusing. The concept of a baby inside someone’s belly would already be abstract enough to him. Kei wondered if then seeing a picture of said baby would be even more confusing.

A small, but very loud, part of him wanted to take the easy way out and say the stork would be dropping off their new baby, but Kei knew that was just the anxiety speaking. He was a firm believer in explaining the world to Takashi as it was, without too many euphemisms and glossing-over of the facts. But the facts in this case seemed too weird to explain to a child, and Takashi was unlikely to understand even if he were given an accurate explanation. How, exactly, was one meant to go about explaining where babies came from?

Dammit, so much for a leisurely stroll home. Kei clicked his tongue, aggravated at the downward spiral of his own thoughts. He tried to put it out of his mind for the time being, deciding to convene with Ms. Aina later in order to brainstorm. He was determined to enjoy the last leg of his journey home in the meantime. It was the end of what had been a day of pretty nice weather. It was still warm since it was only September- Kei stopped short. September. He realized with a jolt that his birthday was in a few days. He groaned. At 26-nearly-27 he was getting much closer to age 30 than he would have liked to be.

He pouted the rest of the way home, trudging up to his front door with an almighty scowl. When he stepped into the entry, however, all thoughts of his upcoming birthday rushed out of his mind. An unrecognized pair of shoes sat between Yama’s and Ms. Aina’s shoes. Kei furrowed his brow. As far as he knew they weren’t expecting any guests. The house was unusually quiet for having a guest in as well. He peeked into the living room and saw Takashi playing silently with a puzzle, his back turned to Kei. Judging by his demeanor and posture, even he seemed to sense that something was amiss. Kei padded quietly past, toward the kitchen, and stopped just outside the doorway. He heard Ms. Aina speak first, her voice tense.

“I don’t really appreciate you ignoring me and letting yourself in when Mr. Tsukishima isn’t even home. It’s really quite rude.”  
  
There was a familiar laugh and Kei felt like he was going to fall over. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, feeling suddenly weak.  
  
“Don’t be so uptight, we know each other. You’ll see when he gets here.”  
  
Kimi. She’d found them. Panic began to well up in his chest; he wanted to grab Takashi and Yama and run as far away as he could, as fast as he could, but that wasn’t an option considering that Yama was likely sitting with Ms. Aina and Kimi. He peered into the kitchen to take stock of the situation. Kimi was sitting at the table with her back to him, Yama and Ms. Aina were on the other side. Ms. Aina had taken on a fierce, protective air, her face set as she glared at Kimi. Yama looked alarmingly pale. Kei couldn’t think of what to do, all he knew was that he didn’t want to freak Takashi out, so he had to at least pretend to be calm, and he had to act quickly because he was pretty sure Yama needed to lie down. He wanted to be angry in this moment, he wanted the old rage to bubble up and fuel this confrontation, but he couldn’t shake the fear. Still, he had to try. Gathering his courage, he stepped into the doorway, capturing Yama’s attention before anyone else’s. The look of relief on Yama’s face was what stoked a protective fire in Kei. He cleared his throat.  
  
“Kimi. What are you doing in my house?”  
  
She gave a small start and turned quickly, facing him with a wide smile that reached her eyes. She was genuinely thrilled to see him and he was incredibly put off by it. She stood and ran to him, and he took a step back, resisting the urge to shield himself with his arms.  
  
“Tsukki! I didn’t know if you were getting my texts, so I looked you up!”  
  
Kei stared down at her, looking thunderous. “Interesting, since I’m not listed. How exactly did you do that?”  
  
She gave a tinkling laugh and swatted at his arm. “That’s neither here nor there! How have you been, Tsukki? I’ve missed you!” She tugged at his hand, pulling him toward the table, but he snatched his hand out of her grasp.  
  
“I’m not in the mood for pleasantries, Kimi. What are you doing here?”  
  
For the space of a second there was a heavy, ominous silence. A look of unchecked rage flashed across her face, but was replaced just as quickly with another bright smile.

“I came to see you. And Takashi, of course.”  
  
“Bullshit.”  
  
“Come on, Kei, don’t be like that-“

“Don’t be like what, Kimi?!” Kei shouted, losing his cool. Yama and Ms. Aina both jumped, having never seen Kei lose his temper, but Kimi just stared at him, her smile gone. Despite his wish to remain calm, his threshold for her fake cheerfulness was nearly nonexistent and he wasn’t stupid enough to fall for her games a second time. “When you left,” he growled, “It was my understanding that you were aware of how I felt about you. I still feel the same way. You aren’t going to fool me into thinking you’ve changed, Kimi. So _what. Do. You. Want?_ ”

Kimi’s look of rage returned. Kei knew she hadn’t planned for this; she had never been one for planning ahead. He hoped shutting her down quickly would make her leave. He was reaching for her elbow to steer her out when he felt his leg being squeezed. He looked down and saw Takashi looking up at him, his eyes wide and anxious.  
  
“Daddy?”  
  
Kimi looked down at Takashi, her expression changing to one of analytical thoughtfulness. “Takashi,” she said, “I want Takashi.”

Several things happened at once then. Kei picked Takashi up quickly, Ms. Aina leapt up with an indignant shout, and Kimi lunged forward, grabbing at Takashi. Yama shot out of his chair and blocked Kimi, crashing roughly into her and sending them both sprawling to the floor.  
  
“Mama!” Takashi wailed, beginning to cry in earnest. And then Ms. Aina was at Kei’s side to accept Takashi as he handed him off and bent to help Yama stand. Kimi slammed a fist into the floor.

“I WANT TAKASHI!” she screamed at Ms. Aiana’s retreating back, “HE’S MY SON, I WANT HIM!”  
  
Kei guided Yama into the hallway, standing in the doorway to block him from Kimi. He turned to face her, his chest heaving with the force of his breath. He felt dizzy, panicked, desperate.  
  
“You can’t have him,” he growled at her. “You can never, ever have him. You chose that. You’re a shit mother and I will never let you into his life again. Unless you want the police to learn about your little drug habit, I suggest you leave.”  
  
Kimi stared up at him, her face red and twisted and ugly, her breathing just as heavy. She seemed ready to refuse, opening her mouth to argue, but Kei cut her off.  
  
“NOW!”  
  
She shot him a murderous glare as she picked herself up off of the floor and brushed past them. She snatched up her shoes as she crossed the entry, and slammed the door so hard as she left that it bounced open again. Kei went to the door and stood watching her go before closing the door with shaking hands. With her exit went the heavy atmosphere of before, but was replaced by a new air of tension as Kei turned to talk to Yama and found him sitting against the wall, as curled up as his belly would allow. He rushed over, taking note of Yama’s pallor and the sheen of sweat on his brow as he knelt beside him.  
  
“Yama, what’s wrong?”  
  
Yama began to shiver. “I-I-I d-don’t know.”  
  
“Do you need a doctor?”  
  
Yama nodded. Kei ran to Takashi’s room to find Ms. Aina, who had a snuffling Takashi curled against her shoulder. “Ms. Aina. Yama needs a doctor. Would you please stay with Takashi?”  
  
Takashi began a fresh round of wails as he rushed out but Kei didn’t think he had the time to feel badly. Ms. Aina shut the door to Takashi’s room to prevent him seeing Yama, who was now lying on his side and grunting in pain, and Kei called an ambulance. From there, everything seemed to happen in a blur. Kei felt useless as the paramedics arrived and crouched beside Yama, trying to ascertain his vitals and ask him questions. In his daze he might easily have been left behind if Yama hadn’t clutched at his wrist and clung to it as they wheeled the stretcher out.

The ambulance ride was short and surprisingly quiet except for the sound of Yama crying. The paramedics asked Kei one or two perfunctory questions which Kei couldn’t concentrate enough to answer with more than a nod or a shake of the head. He pressed his forehead to the back of Yama’s hand and tried to shut out the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Yama was treated as a threatened miscarriage upon arrival and rushed immediately to Labor and Delivery. Two apologetic nurses did their best to place the monitors and pulse oximeter on Yama and place an IV port without causing him a significant amount of increased pain. Kei did his best to not think about why they couldn’t find the baby on the monitor. According to the contraction monitor Yama was experiencing regular contractions, though they were still pretty far apart. With each one Yama went still, his eyes closed, and covered his face with his free arm. Afterwards he was overtaken by uncontrollable shivers. The nurses covered him with a heated blanket and assured him that as soon as his labs were back he could have pain medicine.

“W-will you m-make it s-s-stop?” he chattered to one of the nurses. She patted him on the arm.

“We’re going to take good care of you. We’re just having some trouble finding baby, so we’re just waiting on the doctor and we’re going to do a quick ultrasound. Sit tight.”  
  
To Kei’s dismay, the doctor on call was the same doctor he had wanted to punch in the face. He had the decency to look as if he were taking them seriously this time, crowding around the ultrasound machine with the nurses and the tech as she rolled it up to Yama’s bed. His brow furrowed, he asked for the lights out and stared at the screen, blocking Kei’s view. Nobody spoke for several minutes, until the doctor turned to Yama and Kei.  
  
“I’m sorry, Mr. Yamaguchi. There’s no heartbeat.”


	7. Vindicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei sets aside his sensibilities and lets his righteous anger do the thinking.
> 
> It's a bit on the shorter side but I'm pretty eager to get past the painful bits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna add a trigger warning here, just in case anyone has been through the anguish of a stillbirth. Ahead is a brief description of time spent with a baby born sleeping.

Kei felt numb, sitting staring at the wall across from his spot next to Yama’s bed. He wasn’t ready yet to make the first phone call explaining what had happened. If he spaced out for long enough, refused to think about anything, he could almost pretend it was a bad dream. To tell someone, though, to say the words, “we lost the baby,” would snatch him out of the relatively bearable surreality into which he’d drifted, would slash the wound open again and make it somehow more real. He quivered with the force of suppressed sobs. It was nearing dawn and he needed to call Ms. Aina but he couldn’t muster the strength to lift his phone.

He wondered when it had happened. At what point between the morning ultrasound and Yama’s collapse had the baby’s heart ceased the rapid beating that had brought smiles to their faces? Was it while he was at work? Was it when he’d wondered how to tell Takashi as he walked home? Was it when Yama knocked Kimi over? Now, sitting in a dark hospital room, Yama mildly sedated and sleeping beside him, it seemed like a lifetime ago that they’d seen their baby alive and well, yawning sweetly and sucking one fist.

It turned out that the baby was a girl. No bigger than Kei’s hand, she was perfectly formed and could have been sleeping. The nurses had wrapped her in a tiny blanket, as they would have any other baby, and placed the smallest cap Kei had ever seen on her head. Yama had accepted the hospital’s offer to photograph their first and last moments with her, though Kei wasn’t sure he would ever be able to look at the pictures. He’d broken down completely after the photographer left the room to give them privacy. Yama was holding her, shaking with sobs, and could only manage one word, “Hana.”  
  
Kei, having been unable to fathom the depth and breadth of what had happened up to that moment, suddenly found meaning in her name. Hana. It became a representation of everything they had lost when she died. Hana, the future of their family. Hana, who would make Takashi a big brother. Hana, the light that had illuminated the path Kei and Yama would walk together. Hana had become as much _everything_ to him as Takashi and Yama, and she had slipped through their fingers – gone as quickly as she arrived.

Yama had placed her in his arms, and that’s when the tears began to fall, hot streaks against his cheeks. He’d placed a kiss on her impossibly small forehead, a feather light kiss so as not to bruise her fragile skin, and wept bitterly into her blanket. After only an hour he and Yama asked that Hana be taken away. As agonizing as it was to say goodbye, they agreed that to keep her any longer would break them.

The dim light of the approaching morning began to fill the room, spilling in through the cracks at the sides of the window shade. How cruel that there should be anymore mornings now that Hana was gone. The world would keep turning and time would continue without her, and he couldn’t handle the injustice of it. Kei didn’t want to face the day; he didn’t want to leave behind the night that he had held Hana in his arms. Exhausted and heartbroken, he put his head down on Yama’s bed, blocking out the light with his arms, and gave in to the urge to cry.

~~

Kei woke to the sound of a nurse moving around, checking Yama’s blood pressure and disconnecting the IV line from his port. Bright morning light filled the room, oppressively cheerful in Kei’s eyes. The edges of the hospital guest bracelet he wore around his wrist had left a mark where his face was pressed against it. He rubbed at the spot and watched, groggy, as Yama nodded when the nurse asked if he’d like her to bring him something for pain. Sliding his hand under the blanket, he searched for Yama’s hand and intertwined their fingers, willing Yama to squeeze his hand and let him know he was okay. Yama turned toward him, his eyes dull and glassy, his hand limp, and stared at Kei, looking so lost and defeated it made Kei shiver. This was not how his awkward and optimistic Yama should be. It was unthinkable that anything should have happened to put this expression of unwavering brokenness on his face. Kei used his thumb to swipe gently at a tear as it escaped Yama’s eye. He wanted to say they’d be okay but he didn’t feel as if they ever would be. How could it be possible to recover from such a devastating blow? Yama closed his eyes, another tear escaping, and turned away again.

The familiar chime of Kei’s text tone shook him from his thoughts, and his hand went automatically to his phone. A notification from Ms. Aina waited to be read, and from the preview he could guess that she wanted to know if everything was okay. God, it wasn’t, it was so far from okay that he couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t know how to tell her that. As his thumb wavered over the notification another came in.  
  
_7:17 AM Kimi: I fucking hate you._

Kei pressed the back of his hand to his mouth and bit down hard on his knuckles, trying to fight the urge to throw his phone and roar the unadulterated rage he felt toward Kimi, refusing to let on to Yama that she had invaded again. Whether the loss of Hana was her fault or not, Kei placed the blame unequivocally on her shoulders and he hated, hated, _hated_ her. His stomach turned, threatening to upend itself despite its emptiness. He stood suddenly and reached out to smooth back Yama’s hair and press a kiss to his head. “I’ll be back,” he whispered, and marched from the room.

With the door shut behind him, he tore his glasses off his face, balled his hands into fists and pushed them against his eyes, and cursed the universe for flaying his soul raw and then rubbing salt in the wound. Kimi again?! That stupid bitch. That _stupid, stupid bitch._ She was singlehandedly responsible for the destroying Kei’s family _twice_ and she thought she had any right to hate _him?_ She should be grateful to him for not exposing her sooner and wrecking her chance at ever having a successful life! She should be grateful to him for being one hundred percent committed to Takashi’s care since it allowed her to live in whatever disgraceful way she’d always wanted to!

Having Kimi’s hatred meant nothing to Kei, nothing at all. It meant nothing to him that she was angry with him because there was nothing new about Kimi hating someone who wouldn’t give in to her desires. What he really wanted was to break her confidence, to shatter the inflated sense of self that drove her narcissistic behavior. He wanted to make her pay for the misery she’d caused him. He wanted to destroy her by stealing everything that made her happy, making himself and Takashi inaccessible to her, making her realize that she was not exempt from the consequences of behaving badly.

He scrubbed at his face with his arm, wiping away tears and sweat, and tapped on Kimi’s text to respond.  
  
_I’m sorry. I thought about it after you left. Let’s work this out._  
  
He shuddered as he sent it, closing the messages so he didn’t have to see them, then tapped Ms. Aina’s notification and steeled himself before typing the words. _We lost the baby._ The devastating defeat he felt as he admitted that, _yes, that’s what really happened,_ sent his world careening sideways. His knees gave out and he sank to the floor, wracked again by uncontrollable sobs. His phone began to ring and he saw that it was Ms. Aina. He accepted the call but couldn’t speak.  
  
“I am so, so sorry,” she said, “I’m here. I’ll stay with Takashi. He’s okay.”

Kei didn’t realize he was afraid for Takashi until she said those words, but his relief was absolute. Losing Hana had made him acutely aware of how easily and quickly he could lose Takashi too. He could do nothing but cry into the phone. Ms. Aina made a small sound of sympathy.

“It hurts. It does. I know. We’ll be here.”  
  
The line went silent and Kei was grateful for her understanding of his inability to articulate his feelings and for her willingness to be a rock for his little broken family. He knew he could count on her to give him the time he needed to pull himself together before coming home. As his tears subsided his phone chimed again.  
  
_7:25 AM Kimi: What do you mean?_  
  
The nausea returned as he considered the things he was likely going to have to say to her. It made him feel filthy but he would say whatever he needed to. Gambling on the idea that she would blindly accept it if he acted sorry, he responded,

 _I feel badly about yesterday. If you want I can come over and we can talk about it._  
  
The rage from a few minutes ago had settled into a steady simmer in the back of his mind, fueling his ability to compartmentalize for the moment.

_You want to come over?_

_Yeah, things are tense at home. We should talk alone.  Where do you live?_  
  
Based on Kimi’s reaction when he’d threatened her with a call to the police he felt it was a fair bet that she was in possession of at least one illegal substance, so he didn’t think she was likely to give her address out to just anyone, he was just hoping she was convinced enough of his naiveté that she would be willing to give it to him. When his phone went off and he saw her reply he couldn’t believe it. An address. He wondered if it was actually her address or if it was someone else’s.

He stood, his legs still shaky, and approached the nurse’s station.  
  
“Hello. What can I help you with?”  
  
“I’m with Yamaguchi Tadashi.” He pointed in the direction of Yama’s room. “If he wakes up before I come back will you please let him know I’m just going to check on our son?”

She smiled at him. “Certainly!”

He thanked her and left, stopping at the parking lot to call a cab and reply to Kimi.  
  
_I’ll be there soon._

~~

He stared out the window as buildings slid past in a blur, trying to remain detached from the events of the night because he couldn’t let himself break down until after he was done dealing with Kimi. Unsatisfied with how easily he’d been able to chase her off the day before, he felt like he needed to make her feel the keen sting of the consequences of her actions. If she hurt even a fraction of how much he did he’d be satisfied. Somewhere deep down he was aware of the questionable morality of honoring his vengeful feelings by hand-delivering justice to his ex but he was too bereft to care. Maybe someday he’d regret it, sinking to the level of ruining someone’s life even after experiencing the devastation of having his life ruined, but he felt like there was a distinct difference between himself and Kimi. He felt like she deserved it.

“Park a little far away, please,” Kei said as the cabbie neared the place Kimi had indicated, a derelict building that appeared house more people than it ought to. He pulled out his phone.  
  
_I’m here._  
  
Then, heart racing, he searched the number for the anonymous tips police line. He saw her emerge as he was dialing the number.

“I’d like to make an anonymous report. I’m concerned about an individual who I believe is in possession of illegal substances.”  
  
He kept his eyes trained on Kimi as he answered a few pertinent questions and gave them the address.   They assured him that an officer would be dispatched right away to assess the situation and disconnected the call. The cabbie turned to him with wide eyes.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Kei said, “We’re not getting involved. I just want to watch someone burn.”  
  
No less uncomfortable, the cabbie faced forward again without a word.  
  
Kei saw Kimi tapping at her phone and received a notification a moment later, which he ignored. It was only a few minutes before a police car pulled up to Kimi’s shabby building and the officer driving it emerged. A few of the people sitting outside slipped away, some disappearing back into the building and others beating a hasty retreat down the sidewalk. Kimi looked as if she might try to escape as well but Kei had given them a description which seemed to have been relayed to the officer, who noticed her and began speaking to her. By the looks of it, Kimi was being subjected to a line of questioning she didn’t like. She went from looking uncomfortable to all-out panicked, she began yelling and was quickly subdued, pushed to the ground and held there as a second officer burst from the car and placed her in handcuffs. They pulled her to a stand and walked her to the car, and the first officer took his two-way radio from his belt and began speaking into it as the second made quick work of checking Kimi’s pockets before guiding her into the car and shutting her in.

Kei reckoned he should probably feel a little guilty for setting her up that way, and under normal circumstances he might have. Aside from not wanting to be associated with her unsavory habit, part of the reason he had never called the police on her was that he wasn’t able to muster the courage to be cold-blooded enough to do it knowing how harshly they would come down on her. Now, however, the only thing he felt was vindication. He couldn’t be sure of whether she had drugs in her home but her resistance and whatever they’d found in her pockets had incriminated her already. Kei knew the price she would pay would be steep and he relished it. He hoped her life would be ruined, and he didn’t care if that made him a bad person.

He sank back into his seat and closed his eyes. “We can go now,” he said to the cabbie, “back to the hospital, please.”

~~

When Kei stepped into the hospital room he found Yama sitting up in bed, ignoring a tray of food. Their eyes met as he walked around the bed to the spot he’d vacated before, reaching for Yama’s hand as he drew near. This time Yama squeezed his hand tightly, pulling him closer.  
  
“I was scared when you left, Tsukki. I wondered if you were coming back.”  
  
Kei shook his head. “Don’t think like that. I’d never do that.”  
  
“Sorry, Tsukki.”  
  
Kei said nothing, only pulled back the blankets and slid in next to him. He was exhausted and felt like he’d been hit by a dozen trucks and couldn’t imagine how Yama must feel. He only wanted to escape the hurt, to drop into the painless limbo of sleep with his hand clasped tightly in Yama’s. They would have to move on soon, set about the work of rebuilding their broken hearts. But for now he just wanted to sleep.


	8. Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei and Yama pay one last tribute to their little one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll say in advance that this chapter is very short. Like, very-very short. And it's been a longer wait than usual, too, hasn't it? I am sorry for that. I needed to write some closure for them but I was so ready to move on from the heavy sadness. I had the worst writer's block and also wanted a clean break from the sad bits before moving on to better times for them, so I decided this little blurb was the thing to solve all the problems. Next time there'll be a shorter wait and a longer chapter! And also, to make up for the length of this chapter I made some art! You can see it on my blog, [here](http://shingekinosocialskills.tumblr.com/post/125777490822/i-drew-this-to-go-along-with-my-fic-to-live-to):

The house was silent in the wake of Hana’s memorial service. Kei and Yama sat on the bed, exhausted and sagging against one another, both unable to sort out their feelings, both unwilling to break the silence even if they could. They’d found a tenuous foothold in the real world after Yama was released from the hospital and had been able to maintain some pretense of functionality as they made arrangements to lay Hana to rest. No more than a handful of days had passed but the time had been a whirlwind of unthinkable, heart-splintering decisions and crushing depression, and it had felt like an eternity. Now, coming out on the other side of it, Kei wasn’t sure he could remember what it felt like to be normal.

The image of Hana’s little casket disappearing into the earth invaded his mind over and over, each time spurring his muscles to tense with the desire to reach out and stop her from being put away forever, filling him with regret over not spending more time holding her, looking at her face, memorizing her just a little bit better before letting her go. He’d spent the time since then with his face buried in Yama’s hair, or pretending to listen to friends and family consoling him, or clinging to Takashi as if he might suddenly disappear too. Small comforts were there – Ms. Aina’s firm touch on his shoulder, Yama’s shaking hand finding his, the way Takashi’s earnest gaze found his and tiny hands cupped his face in gestures of childlike comfort. He was grateful for the constancy of his other blessings but there would be nothing but the restorative powers of time to help with the immeasurable rawness at his core.

He caught a slight movement in his periphery, his eyes moving involuntarily to Yama’s hands, in which was clutched a small piece of cardstock and a photograph. He quickly looked away. The photo was of Hana, the cardstock inked with her diminutive footprints. It was too painful for Kei to see them.   
  
“Where should we put these?” Yama asked, his voice hoarse from underuse and too much crying. Kei turned to look at him, resisting the morbid urge to glance down at Hana’s things. He didn’t know, couldn’t think what to do with them. Was there some sort of status quo for this sort of thing? Would putting them away be tantamount to filing Hana away to be forgotten until it was time for spring cleaning or packing for a move? It seemed unfair, like a disservice to Hana to shove the memories they had of her to the back of their closet and their minds, yet there was no question in Kei’s mind that he would be unable to deal with setting her picture out to see every day. He stared helplessly at Yama, who stared helplessly back, and then Kei’s eyes betrayed him and he found himself looking down and reaching for Hana’s picture.  
  
He slid the card and photo from Yama’s fingers and held them gingerly, feeling as if the smallest bend or tear in either of them would be a tragedy. He traced the footprints and swallowed against the lump in his throat, the familiar sting of tears in his eyes.  
  
“Maybe just a shoebox. But it feels wrong to shove it into the back of the closet.”   
  
Yama rested his head on Kei’s shoulder, accepting the picture and card when Kei returned them to his hand. “We don’t have to,” he said, “We can put it in a drawer if you want. Then we can look if we want to, but we don’t have to when it hurts too much.” He sniffled, and began crying in earnest. “I don’t want to forget her.”

Kei pulled him into a hug, an action which had become like second nature as they’d navigated the turbulent waters of loss. “We’ll do that,” he whispered reassuringly. “We’ll put in her blanket and hat too. We don’t have to forget her. I don’t think that’s possible.”  
  
In the end they settled on an assuming photo storage box of Hana’s things. Having retrieved and folded Hana’s blanket neatly, Yama placed it and her tiny hat inside the box and tucked the photo and footprints between them. Kei replaced the lid and tucked the box into the top drawer of his dresser. He half expected there to be some palpable relief or closure as he slid the drawer shut but he remained heavy with grief, his thoughts sluggish from exhaustion. He returned to the bed and Yama, pressing his face into Yama’s chest, and closed his eyes.  
  
The enticing pull of sleep danced at the edge of his consciousness, inviting him as it had so often since they’d lost Hana, and he welcomed it with a sigh. Yama’s hands went to his head, his fingers carding through his hair absentmindedly. Yama was here, he would sit with him as he slept. He slid an arm around Yama’s waist, soaking in the comfort of his presence, reminding himself that though he’d taken on the role of Yama’s primary source of comfort Yama was perfectly willing and able to be his rock as well. They were _both_ in pain, and Yama made it clear to Kei that there was no need for him to suffer alone.   
  
He wondered when it was they’d fallen into their relationship as it was, this easy and intuitive dynamic. He and Yama been close and understood one another from the start but Kei had always preferred his bubble of personal space. Somewhere in all of this his walls had come down and he couldn’t put his finger on when or how it happened.  
  
Sleep, now tugging firmly on his eyelids, promised to overtake him, but before he drifted off entirely he tightened his hold on Yama.  
  
“I love you,” he mumbled into Yama’s shirt. He felt Yama’s arms go around him, resting around his shoulders.  
  
“I love you too,” Yama whispered.


	9. Living in the Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things are finally evening out for Kei and Yama, and we get to spend a little time with the old Karasuno team! Yay!
> 
> And, I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter done. I know I said it'd be done sooner buuuuuut then my life exploded. Like, really exploded, ha! But I worked really hard to get this done in spite of that, so please accept my apologies, and please enjoy!

Kei stuffed his hands into his coat pockets and stared around at his old teammates, his comfortable wall of haughty indifference up as usual. As many years as had passed since year one of high school, Kei still didn’t know how to be around the guys without putting up the same old front but he was secretly pleased to be out of the house and in the company of friends. After no small amount of gentle text messages and emails, and not-so-subtle social media prodding from Suga he had finally agreed to meeting up with the guys for a few hours of friendly competition and catching up. As hesitant as he had been to make an appearance, he found himself easing surprisingly seamlessly into the atmosphere of comradery that always formed when the team was together. Better yet, Yama was looking livelier than he had in months, which allowed Kei to let some of the anxiety coiled in his belly dissipate.

There were a few people missing but they were still a sizeable group, clustered around a picnic table at the park. Suga and Daichi stood side by side at the end of one of the tables, smiling warmly as everyone claimed spots and chattered, catching up on the latest news in each other’s lives. Ukai perched on the opposite end of the table, flanked by Nishinoya, Ennoshita, and Asahi and talking loudly about how interesting it would be to see which of the old fogeys would win their little match that day. Kageyama and Hinata had an entire side of the picnic table to themselves, and Hinata looked even smaller than usual, miraculously sitting still and hunched against a rather maliciously chipper-looking Kageyama.   Kei caught Tobio’s eye and quirked one eyebrow as if to ask what had Tobio so tickled and earned himself a glare. Yama nudged him.  
  
“Shouyou seems a bit off today, doesn’t he?” he murmured, looking sideways at Kei with a small smile. “I think I know how he feels.”  
  
He gave Kei a pointed look, and realization washed over Kei, sending his eyebrows high up onto his forehead as he glanced once more at Hinata. Now that he knew what he was looking at, he recognized the look of patent misery on Hinata’s face, the pallor of his skin and the circles under his eyes. He had one sleeve pulled over his hand and was covering his nose and mouth. The way he was leaning against Kageyama shielded his vision somewhat from the bright, early afternoon sun. Heightened sense of smell, aversions, nausea, probably a headache. Kei’s lips curved into a smirk. He clapped eyes again with Kageyama, who narrowed his eyes and wound a protective arm around Hinata. Kei chuckled. The King and his Shrimp had been busy! He wondered if Hinata had puked on Kageyama yet, and what Kageyama’s reaction would be to being vomited on. He laughed a little, thinking of Kageyama unable to grab Hinata by the head and lecture him as usual, too afraid to be rough with Hinata, or too afraid of being puked on.

“Stop thinking mean thoughts, Tsukki,” Yama said, “I know you are.”  
  
Kei tried to school his expression but couldn’t quite tame the corners of his mouth. “What? It’s kind of funny. Just a little.”  
  
Yama pouted. “It’s not. I know how he feels.”  
  
Kei sensed that he had entered dangerous waters and tried to backtrack. “It’s not funny when it’s you, Yama, it’s only funny because it’s Shrimpy and the King.”  
  
“Sure. Maybe next time I’ll throw up on you.”  
  
Kei blanched. “Okay, okay, it’s never funny, _ever_. Please do not vomit on me.”  
  
Yama quirked an eyebrow.  
  
“Sorry, Yama.”  
  
He was rewarded with a smug smile, something he was almost certain Yama had picked up from him, and scowled down at it, tempted to rescind his apology – damn the consequences – if _that_ was what it was going to get him. Then again, a smile was a smile and he appreciated every single one. It had taken Yama what felt like an eternity to start smiling again after losing Hana. Even now, a year and a half down the road and having just found out that Yama was expecting again, they were both having a difficult time mustering up any enthusiasm. It wasn’t because they didn’t want this baby because _god, they wanted this baby so much_ , it was just too hard to forget how suddenly they could be forced to say goodbye.

Kei was on the verge of a playful response when Tanaka, as exuberant as ever, slammed one foot suddenly onto Kageyama and Hinata’s bench, causing everyone to jump, planted his hands on his hips, and announced loudly that his wife was going to have a baby. “Yes, that’s right!” he shouted, “Just married and already going to have a baby! My virility is amazing!”  
  
A second or two passed while everyone switched gears, but soon the group erupted into whooping and congratulations. Asahi, his face glowing bright red, looked downright scandalized as Noya leaned over him and Ennoshita to high five Tanaka, and Hinata suddenly took on an alarmingly green hue. He excused himself, stumbling out from under Kageyama’s arm and nearly falling backwards as he leapt off of the bench, and ran in the direction of the restroom building.  
  
Kei wanted to be amused by the unfortunate timing of the riot of Hinata’s stomach, but he felt strangely shell-shocked by Tanaka’s announcement. A tangle of jealousy and sadness formed in his chest and seemed to constrict his heart. Tanaka had no idea what effect he was having on Kei’s emotions, he deserved to be happy and there was only one way Tanaka knew to be happy – loudly – but his expressive announcement underlined Kei’s fear for his and Yama’s new baby. Kei could never again experience the same unadulterated excitement that Tanaka was now feeling because he would never be able to forget how it felt to think they were past the point of danger and being proven wrong in the worst way. They had even talked about not telling anyone until Yama was obviously showing because they felt they might jinx themselves by announcing, by relaxing into happiness. Kei’s instinct was to make a cutting remark but he knew how inappropriate that would be and he wouldn’t really mean it. He clenched his hands into fists in his pockets as he wrestled with the flood of conflicting feelings, his fingernails digging into his palms.

In his usual uncanny way, Yama seemed to know what Kei was thinking of without a single word. The lingering smirk slid off his face, shifting into an apprehensive stare. He worried at his bottom lip and hooked a finger on the edge of Kei’s coat pocket. Kei took his hand, lacing their fingers together as he drew it back into his pocket. He stared at the ground, not sure if he could keep the sadness out of his eyes if he saw sadness in Yama’s.

The volume of the team’s chatter dropped suddenly and Kei heard Daichi making shushing noises at Tanaka. He looked over and saw that Suga was looking at him and Yama with worry in his eyes. “We’re all very happy for you, Tanaka, but I think it’s time to decide how we’re going to team up now, don’t you?” Suga suggested, his eyes flicking toward Kei and Yama and then back to Tanaka, who seemed as if he might need a moment to catch on. Kei felt the weight of everyone’s staring and could hear Yama making sounds next to him as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t think of what. The seconds seemed to drag on forever as Kei cast about for something to say, sighing outwardly as if annoyed in his usual manner just to ease the tension.  
  
“Don’t get all sentimental on our behalf,” he said, “It doesn’t matter to me if he wants to be a loud and idiotic about it.” He glanced sidelong at Tanaka, whose expression changed swiftly from confusion to comprehension, and then to what Kei assumed was meant to be an intimidating glare. Hinata, having chosen that moment to return, looked from Tanaka to Kei and back again.  
  
“What’s going on?” he asked weakly.

Kei looked at Yama. “Do you think we should tell them?” he whispered. Yama pursed his lips, hesitantly considering the question. “It’s just the guys,” Kei pressed, “It might actually help.”  
  
Yama looked at everyone looking awkwardly back at them. “I…I guess it’s okay,” he said, his head dipping down and shoulders coming up. Kei squeezed his hand.  
  
“It’s nothing, Shrimpy,” he said, “Tanaka thinks he’s so amazing, but really he’s just like me and the King, over there.” Tobio had the goodness to blush and Hinata looked aghast. “Is it that obvious?!” he wailed.

Noya gave a snort and dissolved into laughter. “Did you really think you were hiding anything, Shouyou?!”

“But more importantly,” Suga cut in, “does this mean that you and Yama are…?”  
  
Kei nodded. “Yes, it does.”  
  
Suga’s face split into a wide smile and he smacked Daichi on the back hard enough to make him sputter. “I knew it! I told you!” he shouted, grabbing Daichi’s arm and shaking it. “I told you! That’s great, you two! Congratulations!”  
  
With Suga as their trailblazer everyone else began to extend congratulations, and discussion soon shifted to the unreasonable number of teammates who were useless.  
  
Ukai gave a long-suffering sigh. “What is it with you young people?! This is an absurd amount of pregnancy. Have you considered at all the fact that this is an absurd amount of pregnancy? How are we supposed to have matches and stay sharp if everyone is useless? You’re all going to get rusty.”

Ennoshita raised an eyebrow at Ukai. “Are we old fogeys or are we young?” Ukai, stumped, ignored him with a frown.  
  
“Anyway, it’s not like Tanaka’s wife is on the team,” Daichi pointed out practically, “It’s just Hinata and Yama. The rest of us are still here, you know.”

“Yeah!” shouted Noya, clambering over Ennoshita and onto Asahi’s shoulders and flexing his arms, “You still have the Guardian God of Karasuno! And we still have our coward ace –“ he placed a hand on each of Asahi’s cheeks and squeezed so that Asahi’s lips puckered “-You’ve got nothing to worry about!”

Kageyama scoffed. “You can’t say a libero and a wing spiker are going to win the game! You at least need a setter too.”  
  
“Are you sure you won’t be distracted worrying about poor Shouyou?” Noya teased.  
  
“Tch. Just because Shouyou is useless doesn’t mean I can’t-“  
  
“OI!!” Hinata cut in, “DON’T CALL ME USELESS, I CAN STILL-“  
  
Kageyama’s eyes widened as Shouyou’s face paled, and he jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being vomited on. Kei snorted as everyone dove away from Hinata with a collective shout of disgusted surprise and turned to make a joke to Yama, and blanched when he realized that Yama didn’t look very good either.  
  
“Not you too!”  
  
Yama nodded fervently, his eyes squeezed shut and his free hand clasped over his mouth, and Kei took him by the shoulders and began pushing him quickly toward the restrooms.

By the time they returned to the picnic area Suga and Daichi had tracked down a groundskeeper and were apologizing profusely for soiling the park. Given the fact that Yama was feeling sick and Shouyou had a propensity for vomiting unceremoniously upon people and things not intended to be soiled with sick when a bathroom wasn’t near enough, Kei felt it would be better for everyone to gather in a more private setting. He cleared his throat.  
  
“Our house is just a short walk from here,” he said, “Why don’t we go back there, since it doesn’t seem like we’ll really get to play anyway?”  
  
For the second time in under an hour he felt the awkwardness of having everyone staring at him. He stared back, unsure of what more to say. Yama chuckled next to him.  
  
“It’s been a while since we’ve had anyone over, hasn’t it? Tsukki’s just being nice-“  
  
Kei wished he could control the traitorous blush he could feel forming on his face. “Shut up, Tadashi.”  
  
“Sorry, Tsukki!”  
  
Kei sighed. “Are you guys coming over or what?”

“YES!” Suga said loudly, throwing one fist into the air. “And everyone try not to make a mess, okay?” He ruffled Hinata’s hair, then quickly removed his hand and backed away when the motion seemed to make Hinata more nauseous.

Kei lapsed into silence as he and Yama led the way, listening to the chatter of the others. He was struck by how little they had all changed, and also by how much. They were all pushing thirty, or actually thirty, or, in Ukai’s case, older. They all had homes and jobs. Some of them were married, some divorced. Some had been through stressful times and tragedies, and all of them had experienced joyful things as well. They were all more mature and mellowed out, but the one constant that remained was that everyone was still very much who they were when they first came together as a team. As the years had gone on they’d learned to read and understand one another better, so Kei could put on a haughty front as much as he wanted to, but he was glad to have his former teammates as friends and he was positive they knew it.  
  
He felt Yama’s hand find his inside his coat pocket and made room, lacing their cold fingers together. He wondered if it always took so long for a person to settle into something resembling a peaceful life, or if the peace of the present would be interrupted and the tables turned again. At the same time he knew it was a futile effort to try to guess what the future may hold, and he didn’t want to add any more to the stress of fearing the worst. Unwilling to put himself in a sullen mood and wreck the potential for having a good time, he pushed away thoughts of what may come and tried to focus on the moment. The sound of everyone’s footsteps against the sidewalk. The feel of his and Yama’s hands warming together in his pocket. The cold rush of the afternoon air in and out of his lungs. The promise of new life. And in that moment he was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if an epilogue is something that would be welcome. I haven't marked this fic as complete yet because I haven't decided. I have an idea for an epilogue but I'm not fully committed, so I'll go with whatever is suggested. C:


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei is a proud papa and generally happy guy.
> 
> Just a fair warning, my headcanon spun wildly out of control and crashed somewhere between the lands of Too Far Gone and This Is Too Much. I may have given away all of my ships. And accidentally created an entire second generation of characters. And gotten really caught up in who they all are. And actually drawn all of them with intent to post on my blog. Maybe.
> 
> Update: And now you can see them [here](http://shingekinosocialskills.tumblr.com/post/127846658412/fair-warning-this-post-wont-make-sense-if-you)!

_A smile played at the corner of Kei’s mouth as he watched Yama sit on the couch, a small bundle of blankets in his arms, and beckon Takashi closer. “_

_Takashi, this is Hiromi. He’s your new baby brother.”_

_Takashi, unsure of what to make of the tiny baby in Yama’s arms, reached for Kei, grasping at air until he found his pants leg and gripped it tightly. Kei did his best to hide his laugh. Takashi’s eyes were wide, and then his brow furrowed, and then he looked to Kei apprehensively.  
_

_"This is a baby?” He pointed at Hiromi, who slept, entirely undisturbed by this fateful meeting with his big brother. Yama chuckled.  
_

_"Yes, this is our baby. Do you want to touch him? You can touch his forehead, here.”_

_Takashi shook his head and scrambled onto Kei’s lap to bury his face in his shirt and both Kei and Yama laughed out loud._

Kei felt the pull of nostalgia as he watched the video. He was gathering videos and photos to show at the annual Karasuno friends-and-family reunion the next day and he hadn’t been able to resist stopping to watch Hiromi’s homecoming. It had been the beginning of a whole new life and was easily his happiest memory. Along with Hana’s picture, this video was among the things that called to him when he sat quietly and thought back on his life. The shifting light cast by the video played against Kei’s face in the darkness of his study, drawing him in and washing away the years since then. For a moment he was able to forget that Takashi had grown into a tall and accomplished boy of 14. For a moment he was almost-but-not-quite four years old, his biggest accomplishments being his transformation from the frequently overwhelmed and anxious toddler he’d been when Ms. Aina had found them to astoundingly well-spoken preschooler, and becoming a big brother. There he was, small and unsure, with total faith in Kei’s ability to protect him from the unknown threat that was a newborn baby. There were his small, chubby hands, his scraped knees, his unruly blonde hair sticking up at all angles despite Ms. Aina’s best attempts to keep him presentable for when Kei and Yama arrived home from the hospital. Kei couldn’t help his smile, or the lump in his throat. Where had the time gone?

He was startled from his reverie by the sudden presence of a hand resting lightly on his shoulder. “I wasn’t sure they were going to get along when Takashi reacted that way,” Yama said, resting his chin on the top of Kei’s head, “And then they wound up getting along far better than I ever expected.”

Kei hummed his assent, one hand going to his shoulder to cover Yama’s. Takashi’s caring and openness had worked in their favor when it came to Hiromi. He’d gotten over his fear of the baby very quickly and declared that Hiromi was, “my baby!” From that moment forward he’d been Hiromi’s protector and self-appointed caregiver, grabbing the reins and teaching Hiromi everything he knew as soon as Hiromi was alert enough to pay attention. Kei knew all along how fortunate he was that most of the sibling fights they’d had to break up were due to Hiromi feeling smothered by Takashi’s attention.

Though both boys were introverts with many similarities to their father, of the two Hiromi was the one most like Kei. He was quiet and reserved, rather put off by the exuberance of other people, and typically did his best to avoid socializing, but he had none of Kei’s bite. In that regard Hiromi was very much Yama’s child; he was even-tempered and not inclined to abrasiveness by nature. Though he struggled when subjected to too much interaction with other people and didn’t take long expressing his frustration if not left alone in what he felt was a timely manner, he more often accepted the company of others and Kei was relatively certain he actually enjoyed it most of the time. In Hiromi’s perfect world he would be able to sit off to the side of everyone else and draw and write in his journal to his heart’s content, only speaking when he felt compelled to. Really, he wasn’t so different in the real world but the poor boy had his very attentive older brother to deal with, and a whole gaggle of other people as well, including the entire former Karasuno team and all of their children.

Kei leaned back with a sigh. “I’m sure the boys are going to love this.”

“They love it every year,” Yama said, a devious grin on his face.

“Yep. They love it so much.”

Yama snorted and dissolved into giggles. “We’re those parents aren’t we?”

“We are definitely not those parents.” Kei turned to face him with an indignant scowl. “There’s no way.”

Yama raised an eyebrow and stared at him for a long moment, waiting for Kei to abandon his indignation. “We definitely are.”

“Oh god, we are, aren’t we?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Crap.” Kei sighed again. “Well, I guess there’s no help for it.” He dragged the video file into a folder with all the other videos and photos he planned to share at the reunion and then closed out everything on the screen, standing and stretching as the computer shut down.

“We should probably head to bed,” he said, placing a hand on Yama’s waist. “We have a long day of embarrassing our children ahead of us.”

\--

The reunion was as raucous an affair as expected. Kei sat amongst the clan, sandwiched between Suga, who kept leaning across him to laugh and tut at Tobio, and Tanaka, who had his phone out recording a video and was egging on the impromptu drinking competition Tooru had initiated with Tobio. Daichi had taken on the job of making sure drinks made it to the contest participants, Nishinoya was lying on the table taking a second video, “just in case,” and Asahi had been designated as the unwilling bouncer in case the contest came to blows. Shouyou shouted encouragement from atop Kageyama’s shoulders, a position that was quickly becoming precarious. Yama stood by to catch him if (when) he fell. Hajime gripped Tooru’s shoulders threateningly, trying and failing to remind him not to be an idiot, and Tetsurou kept asking if Tobio were ready to tap out, enthusiastically offering to take his place if so and earning an eyeroll from Kenma, who was surreptitiously recording a third video, “just in case.”

Tooru had arrived with Hajime and their daughter, Nariko, just in time to save Takashi and Hiromi from their yearly mortification. The kids had all beaten a hasty and grateful retreat to the outdoors and Tobio and Tooru had wasted no time in exchanging the passionate insults and challenges of manliness that had led to their competition of inebriation. Kei disentangled himself from the bodies and limbs around him and snuck away to peek out at the kids. There were eight of them altogether, and they were loosely clustered into their usual groups.

Hideo, older than Takashi by three years at age 17, had the all the open friendliness of Nishinoya and the mildness of Asahi and had naturally fallen into the role of mother hen to all the kids. Tall, cheeky, a bit nerdy. He was brave like Yuu and favored a "wild" appearance like Asahi, giving him fashionable and undeniable appeal. He had a great sense of humor and a lot of energy, and interests that didn't seem to suit his rugged, manly appearance – things like fantasy novels and abstract painting. He didn’t seem to mind at all that he’d become the keeper of the kids and kept track of them with an affectionate, teasing manner. He sat watching over everyone with an easy smile while next to him sat Machi, Tetsuro and Kenma’s child, a diminutive kid of 14 with a quiet nature and friendly disposition, who was clearly and probably mutually infatuated with him in spite of their three year age gap.

Yama had a particular fondness for Machi, who, as a genderfluid person, embraced her biological maleness but more often presented her femininity with a grace and sense of fashion that was downright enviable for someone as young as 14. Soft-spoken, witty, introverted, laid-back, and friendly, Machi was very sharp, good at reading other people's character and usually had a good feel for other people within one or two conversations. Though Machi could take or leave the company of others she would always accept an invitation to hang out with the other kids. She would normally only listen to conversations, choosing not to jump in unless she felt she had something pertinent to contribute. She was well known for her habit of slyly encouraging the others to get up to shenanigans that they probably had better not, but it was never anything truly worrisome. If it had been, Hideo would probably not have formed such a fondness for her.

Leaning against a nearby tree was Hiromi, drawing in his journal as usual and flanked by Eiji, the younger of the Kageyama kids at age 10. Exuberant, extroverted, generally fun to be around, Eiji liked to play pranks and tell jokes that may or may not be funny – he was hit or miss as a comedian but everyone loved him for it. Very physically affectionate, he was fond of hugs of all varieties, had a habit of jumping on others in excitement, and, to Kei’s knowledge, had two settings - fast and loud. He was popular with just about everyone because he was as much a ray of sunshine as Shouyou. Even Hiromi bore him with affectionate patience, Kei noted, as Eiji talked and laughed a mile a minute, nudging Hiromi now and then, trying to get him to look up at Aito and Takashi, who were playfully wrestling nearby.

Aito, currently trapped by Takashi in a headlock, was a passionate and serious boy of 13 and Eiji’s older brother. Much more like Tobio than Shouyou, Aito could be very intense and laser-focused on his goals. Very driven and hardworking, he sometimes came off as brooding and unapproachable but was actually very kind. People were often surprised at how gentle he was during interpersonal interactions because his demeanor was so different from how he was when while working on projects or competing. He was the one who seemed like he wasn't paying attention but almost always had his finger on the pulse of everything and everyone around him. He tended to be the protector, quick to jump in on behalf of friends and family and defend them, even if it meant getting into fights. It’d gotten him into trouble before, but nobody could really fault him for it because he never instigated and was always justified. Kei watched him tussle with Takashi, thinking he wouldn’t be surprised if he were trying to impress Nariko. Everyone suspected that Aito and Nariko had feelings for one another, though Tooru and Tobio resolutely refused to believe it. Kei was tickled pink by the prospect.

To be sure, he wouldn’t have been surprised by Aito’s interest in Nariko. Though she was every bit Tooru’s daughter, she and Aito shared many similarities. Aggressively aspirational and enormously talented for a kid of 14, Nariko took her every endeavor seriously and worked hard at achieving her goals. She was effortlessly beautiful to boot, and, perhaps unfortunately, aware of all of her best qualities. Popular by default at school and on the court, her favor was sought by many. She had an airy personality and could be charming. She seldom had anything outright bad to say about others but was alarmingly good at delivering backhanded compliments, all too happy to instigate opponents, and took probably too much pleasure in winning, especially when she won by a landslide. Kei’s suspicion of her crush on Aito sprung from her tendency to tease him and find ways to get his attention and then pretend to ignore him. In spite of her popularity at school, and perhaps because of her teasing and instigating, she seemed perpetually unable to integrate with the clan. She stood by herself, trying as usual to pretend she wasn’t bothered and very likely playing at confidence in her independence.

Hovering around Aito and Takashi was Asami, Tanaka and Kiyoko's daughter, shouting encouragements at Takashi and glaring at Aito intimidatingly in an uncanny impression of her father as he was pinned to the ground. Asami was extroverted, boisterous, fun-loving, and competitive. Like her father she was not above intimidation, particularly when first meeting any new person, though she had the misfortune of seeming unladylike to anyone who didn’t know her well. Not the cleverest but far from stupid, she had a tendency to blow off boring or unpleasant responsibilities in favor of having fun. When focused she was a force to be reckoned with but spent most of her time being a silly and trying to get a little recognition as someone cool. She had a long-standing crush on Hideo but Kei had a suspicion her heart truly belonged to Takashi. From the time she was old enough to crawl she’d taken to following Takashi around, and Takashi had taken her under his wing in much the same way as he had Hiromi.

As often as Kei had seen them playing together, as often as he was around them all, he never stopped feeling a sense of awe at each and every one of them. Maybe it was just part of being a parent, but sometimes he couldn’t believe the unruly bunch of boys who became Karasuno’s powerhouse volleyball team had gone on to bring these children into the world. Hell, when he joined the Karasuno volleyball club in his first year of high school Kei could barely imagine himself outside of high school, much less that he’d ever be here, in his late thirties, married for a decade, staring out the window at his and his friends’ children, listening to the noise and laughter of eleven people who had not just passively but willingly, even insistently been his friends for all that time. To say he was grateful for them was an understatement. During his time with Kimi his biggest regret had been losing contact with everyone; he had never felt so alone in his entire life. He hadn’t even had Yama then. After separating from her and reconnecting with Yama things had gotten better with every passing year. Kei had made a halfhearted effort to see what had become of Kimi when Takashi was 10 or so but hadn’t been able to find her. They’d never heard from her again after her arrest, and Kei felt zero remorse in hoping she’d stay away for the rest of their lives. Yama was all the mother Takashi needed, and he seemed very satisfied with Yama playing that role in his life.

Kei turned back to his friends. Over the years some of them had gone away, moving to far-flung places to chase dreams right out of high school; some of them had settled immediately into day jobs and docile domesticity. Others, like Kei, had experienced hardship and tragedy – Suga came to mind, undisputed as the perfect parent but unable to have children despite years of trying. Still others were doing much the same thing with their lives as always. Ukai was the same as ever, working the store and sometimes the farm, and still coaching Karasuno’s boys volleyball team, happy as he was in spite of his mother mourning his decision to remain a bachelor. In the end they’d all landed back where they started, preferring to raise their families close to the familiar places they’d known when they were children, fostering such strong bonds between their own children it seemed as if their fates would be forever intertwined. It sometimes felt as if none of them had aged at all. Sometimes it still felt as if they were the same high school boys horsing around, waiting for the next game with a sense of youthful anticipation. The truth was that Kei had always been afraid of growing older and facing the unknown, but these people and their children softened the blow of time, easing Kei’s anxiety and infusing his life with laughter and fun, continually contriving goals to meet and things to do, keeping him sharp. He felt it was almost better he hadn’t imagined a future for himself because he couldn’t have dreamed it up any better than it had turned out. He stared at Yama, who was doing his best to keep Shouyou steady as Tobio swayed and his chair tipped. The three of them fell into a heap, delighting Tooru and sending him into peals of laughter. Kei snorted and jogged over to make sure nobody was injured, thinking that even a bruised forehead or scraped elbow would be no big deal with everyone so jolly. Life was good, life was amazing, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapters never did get any longer, did they? Shorter, if anything, ha! But, again, life got nuts - really crazy, and I just couldn't commit as much time to this fic as I wanted to when I started out. When I get to working on whatever I do next I'll be better. :D

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I want to thank every single person who has taken the time to read this far. I appreciate you! If you would be so kind, please leave me some feedback. Kudos, comments, it doesn't matter to me, just let me know if you liked it!


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